I don't know what to say about my fear of relapse, but let me try @Bill3. I think because I was recently hospitalized due to SH although the ER doctor totally flipped out and thought it was Sui which was ridiculous, it's like the stakes are much higher now. I can't let myself get to that space again because I know that it could end up being that I am hospitalized again. So relapses are much scarier now. I have to be very serious about them. I think I've been getting much more serious about stopping SH too. I mean, it takes as long as it is going to take, but since the hospitalization, that was in a way a blessing, although it was also a curse and a very expensive lesson. But a blessing because it made me confront that there are very real consequences to hurting myself.

My T seemed to be like, oh well if it happens, it happens, so what, you move forward. I guess that I can see her point, but I also am much more afraid of that now because if I relapse and it's bad, I know what can happen. I have a lot more healthy respect for doctors and their right to take away my liberty whenever they see fit. Maybe it's more that I have a fear of hospitals now instead of a fear of relapse, but I don't think so. I think I know that since I've been crossing that line more and having to get stitches more then if I am going to SH in the future, that possibility is there.


My T also said not everyone relapses. I've not read a single account where people haven't relapsed. I'm sure they are out there, but I don't know of anyone and I've relapsed so many times while trying to quit. This time does feel different--this time of quitting I mean--because I've got more people holding me accountable than just me and my T. I have people from Church holding me accountable for one thing. I also threw out my tools that I use to SH and that was a big thing. I still have one at work that I need to get rid of but that means taking it home to dispose of it and I don't want to take it home for fear of not disposing of it.


I get so depressed sometimes or when I'm having hallucinations, it still seems like SH is the answer for me. So it is hard to think of life without SH. I think that is why my T suggested writing a letter to the part of me that engages in SH. To tell her what she has done for me and why I need to walk away now. I've done some journaling, but I haven't done the letter. I don't know what to say exactly.


I'm triggered today. It's the first day of Lent, and a long stretch of days is before me where I know that I cannot SH. I'm also trying to take better care of my skin. I'm putting special moisturizers on the part that had to get stitched and I'm trying to do a lot more self care on my skin. Hopefully that will help me not relapse. I don't want the scars to go away in one sense because that is my physical connection to the hospital and those horrible days there and I don't want to forget that, because I don't want to end up there again.


I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but thanks to anyone who took the time to read it. HUGS Kit