I know probably some "trigger" words are not allowed on this site. But, especially for us who come here asking for help, sorry but we do feel sometimes we want to end it all. You can ban me from this forum and it won't help me really. But I feel like I am done.
Last several years, my depression and anxiety are so high they are overconsuming my whole life. I am... I was a person who enjoys life, I love art, movies, music, comics, books, I like my job actually (software), I loved life and nature and animals and I wanted to believe, most people are good. But lately, I can't, I feel like my soul is darkening more and more and I feel hopeless and crushed and so sad. I am not young anymore, I am 47, I have bad marriage behind me, with first man in my life, I have 12 year relationship after divorce with my friend, or so I thought, I have no friends anymore, not sure I ever had, I am alone even at work. Coworkers hate me, no one will tell me why, but it god so bad with bullying, I had to ask to move in separate room, where I am alone now. It's better than being bullied but it's like that all my life. Bullied in school, mostly being avodided by people, unhappy in love, extremely, and anxiety is killing me.
My muscles are twitching all over now, I am so afraid I have als. And that started around 3 years ago when I had some twitching in hands and neurologist suggested, oh so calmly, that I have als. She said, it's "typical early sign".. Of course, saying something like that to already highly anxious person caused what was expected. I had two EMGs and second opinions (all saying it's not), but it's too late. I am dying every day. Again and again.
Person I though was my best friend and partner just left me (another topic), even before that this relationship made me feel miserable, unloved, unwanted and unworthy.
I tried, believe me, I tried so much. I am working full time, I am published writer, illustrator, I tried meditations, psychotherapy, sports, wallking more, but I am tired, I feel alone, unloved, discarded, unworthy... I am tired of googling als, or ms or any other disease I might have and tired of constant fatigue, damn muscle twitching, rashes on my face (seborrheic dermatitis), sinus problems that suffocate me, and everything else that is wrong with me.
I feel like I still have no courage to go with it, but I am thinking of it. Constantly. I see no way out.
People with good intentions say "Go out, find some groups with hobby you like, meet people, have something to work on..." etc. I did, I tried all that. I tried everything even meds. No one likes me. I am tired. I am afraid all my waking time. I am so sad. i have no one to say all this.