Boy can I relate to a lot of what you are saying and I can't sleep because my mind won't shut off. But I used to be a painter as a hobby I enjoyed and put it down and got busy in life forgetting who I really was and didn't know it. Life changed when you are alone. It hurts. But I forced myself to go back to what did I use to do to find myself again. I'm not saying I am happy or total joy has returned, but I have discovered my love for painting distracts my negative thoughts like maybe self therapy when everyone else seems removed from your life or seems like no one cares about you.