I am not sure which category this belongs to since I seems to have a lot of issues so please correct me if I’m wrong, thank you.
I don’t know what exactly is wrong with me so I want to find out and get better. This is REALLY long and it’s a TOTAL mess since I’m writing this in a somewhat “down mood” but I hope to get a couple of suggestions on what could be wrong with me. It would be great if you could give me a few tips on how to cope with some of the things too. I do suspect a few conditions but don’t want to self diagnose and my family is having quite a bad financial issue so I can’t afford even the cheapest therapy in the long term. I am trying to see if my school counsellor could help but for my school, this kind of issue is more relevant to psychology clinic which needs to be paid. I will probably get proper help if I’m not better by the time I start working.
Just to clarify, I’m doing well in my university and have been on the dean’s list for all my previous terms (although my school is not a very high ranking school), I’m actively participating in dance club, a culture community club, film club, a tutoring club, and an academic club. I’m part of the exco in three clubs, one as a president and another as a vice president. I have a close circle of friends as well as a huge number of other friends. I help to guide a lot of people with their studies too. I do weekly volunteering at a cat shelter with my roommate as well.
I do practically live by myself without family as I’m studying alone in a foreign country. My symptoms are extremely bad during school holidays when I have no school and my roommate is in our home country. During school term, I do fall into the “low” moods when I did something “unsatisfactory” or when I’m really stressed. But it’s easy to get back up since there is just so much stuff that I must do if I don’t want to inconvenient other people.
My major problem is that I seems to be fine most of the time, especially when I have things to do and occupy my mind but I snap under stress.
When I am alone and have time for myself, my mood can go from overly happy, high and confident to total slump in the span of a few hours.
Issues:
Family- major problem was 4 years ago, developed stomach gas pains due to this and still has that problem under stress now. Probably the start of all my issues in general
Self-esteem
Romantic relationship and trust
Habits:
Talking to myself
Making up scenarios (both real and fantasy) in my head and acting them out
Replaying the events of the day and either trying to see if I could have changed anything to make it better or analyse what the other person felt
I am really good at controlling emotions when i am with people but i can snap and cry at little things when i am alone.
The thing that I’m afraid the most is “snapping” in front of other people, especially closed friends. When I warn them that I might snap, I don’t mean it like I would be angry at them. It’s more of I would breakdown for either no apparent reason or for very small reason and I don’t want them to think that it’s because of them since, well, I’m the real problem here.
Sometimes, I am watching something and laughing or even humming a tune but I can suddenly breakdown for no specific reason (there is underlying stress such as a unfinished work or insecurity but no specific trigger)
Self worth issues and mood swings:
When I’m in my “high mood”, I suddenly have a lot of energy and I can go around dancing and singing for a few hours. I could be laughing and squealing while watching something that I like. I could be sitting in front of the mirror going “hm, not bad. Looking pretty good.” And pulling off different facial expressions. I could be looking at my previous works and go “this is amazing, I can definitely pass auditions. Or maybe have a YouTube channel”.
But then I would suddenly get overwhelmed by emotions and go into a slump. Often right in the middle of laughing or other “high mood” state.
At that point, my brain is going into “you are a failure” mood and pointing out all the flaws. I have to stay away from any form of “self assessment” as much as possible in this state or it could spiral down really fast, until suicidal IDEATION. Closest I’ve gotten to an actual one was years ago and it was only
so I don’t think it’s a major issue now. It’s just... ideation at max I guess. I feel like I’m too much of a coward to not have it in me to do it at times like this. In a way, I admire people who could do it. I know it’s crazy to even think that but I have no explanation on why I feel certain things anyway.
Some things I can do during this state are curling up under my blanket, making up scenarios in my head (no energy to actually act them out, it’s mostly about someone saving me from things that I’m too cowardly to actually do), reading tragic stories (explained in the next part) and sort of emptying out my emotions, or just watching stuff that I tend to enjoy (although not really feeling the enjoyment at the moment) if I feel like I’m okay enough to recover by distracting myself using those. While it sort of helps if I’m around close people because it’s easier to distract myself, it makes it worse when I’m about to have a total breakdown/ snap because I don’t want other people to see me like that. I do “warn” my roommate subtly when I’m very edgy and could snap any minute to not push me because even a very small matter like her invading my space could set me off. Haven’t breakdown totally yet in front of her though. The closest was that time I cried for a petty reason I can’t remember when she was teasing me even after I said I was about to snap. I cried quietly so she didn’t really notice it. She just said “wait, r u really crying?” when I went quiet and I just said no.
I like to read fiction and watch drama about tragedies, such as incidents and other unpleasant unfortunate events. I feel like it’s my way of coping. I tend to put myself in the characters’ shoes and try to feel what they feel. It allows me to release my own emotions that I tend to suppress.
But it might not be a very good thing. A part of my rational mind make myself see what I’m feeling is noting compared to it.
I am really fine at times, functioning normally and not even suppressing my emotions (at least not consciously, I do that often when I am around people but that is not the case here) and then suddenly some sort of trigger makes me overwhelmed with emotions that I had to use all my energy to suppress it.
I do noticed that the triggers can be different at different times. For example, I was triggered by something related to family a few years back but I can hold my emotions better regarding that trigger now. But I currently have a different trigger now, about how I’m scared that I’m not good enough and that I can’t do anything right/well.
I can control my emotions well around others (unless totally overwhelmed)
I can even carry on a normal conversation with my mom on phone while crying secretly (only got caught twice, I think, out of many times that I did it)
When I’m in a overwhelmed state, I tend to search and read online whatever I can to find a solution or a way to cope with it.
Sometimes, i just feel empty. Tired and gotten rid of all emotions.
I figured that it is difficult for me to carry out my normal duties when I’m in a very high mood (because it quickly deflates into an emotional mess), “depressed” mood and “empty” mood.
Sometimes, it’s difficult for me to start again after stopping and taking a break from everything because
I’m afraid of all the workload. It suddenly feels like a lot to me.
I am afraid that I cannot do well. I’m afraid that it wouldn’t turn out right
I have a lot of internal battle in my head. Like I mentioned, I talk to myself. I question myself why I’m feeling a particular emotion in a particular setting. It sometimes help me to understand myself better but sometimes it backfires. When I can’t find a proper reason, my brain goes:
“wth is wrong with you? You are doing fine, your grades are one of the highest in the school..”
“my school isn’t the best, can’t even get into a good school”
“...whatever, you can study, dance, sing, lead, is good with all sorts of crafts...”
“I can do a lot stuff but I’m not particularly ‘good’ in anything”
“But...”
...
And so on.
All those are really bad when I’m “isolated”. Even for a relatively “normal” state, I either don’t enjoy that my usual stuff as much or enjoy them in the “high” state then deflates. I don’t dare much to distract myself with the things that I usually enjoy because when I’m in a REALLY low mood, it could backfire into “you don’t deserve it”
Relationship and trust issues wise, I haven’t been in a relationship. I have a few crushes here and there but I’m in a state where I would be questioning so much even if my crush comes up to me as confess. While I would be happy, I won’t be able to understand why anyone would like/love me. Even if someone really loves me, they would have a hard timing convincing me. Even if I do get somewhat convinced and end up in a relationship because I like them back as well, I would be mentally prepared to be dumped at anytime. I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship at all considering what I feel about myself as well as what I’ve seen so far in my parent’s relationship.