Quote:
Originally Posted by Be Still
I’ve also seen how some stay in toxic relationships because of the stories you’ve made up about the relationship in your head (and how you have spoken about the relationship to friends/family). For instance, I used to have a friend who fell pregnant while in college and the baby daddy was a no-show, treated her like less than human. She found a new man, within months they are living together, she’d also encourage her baby girl to recognize her new bf as Daddy. She was really forcing this relationship between them. However he had been caught having an affair, she was not allowed to question him/confront him about his behaviors, when he drank alcohol he became verbally abusive etc. Quite toxic. She had no plans on leaving though! She talked herself out of all the red flags.
And I honestly believe it was because of the stories and fantasy she created at the beginning of the relationship when everything was rosey. Maybe she felt ashamed for leaving, as if she would be judged by us? Or maybe because she already told herself that this man will be the father to my child, she felt trapped because of a commitment/expectation she created in the first place!
The conflict happens in the mind. I don’t think people in toxic relationships are naive about what’s happening. And I’m sure they know they are worth more. But it’s all the other fear-based “what if’s” and the “What will people say” and the “what if I never find a man who accepts me like he does” and “does this mean I’m damaged goods for the next guy?”
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All good points, and thanks for sharing this story!
How sad about this friend of yours.... oy.
I think SOME people can be naive about the toxicity and abuse, though. I think some honestly deny it, brush it under the rug, excuse it rationalize it, or believe somehow that they deserve it and are to blame.
I have a good friend who has BPD who honestly believes she deserves the crap her abusive husband dishes out. She believes it's her BPD that causes him to abuse her and mistreat her. She was abused as a child and inwardly falsely thinks she's unworthy of true love.
I find this to be true of many abuse victims.
A person with strong self esteem knows that if they walk away from abuse and no longer allow themselves to BE abused, that other people will congratulate them... they won't question themselves. And people with strong self esteem don't think "I can't find someone else" or "I am damaged goods".
It's frequently a low self esteem issue as well I think that keep people in toxic and abusive relationships.