Well, unfortunately, most tend to be "what they know" too. Everyone grows up without any idea of what is supposed to be normal and healthy. And most grow up with parents that don't really KNOW how to raise a child and tend to raise their children according to their own idea of what a child is supposed to be and many parents exibit bad behaviors in front of their children not realizing how these behaviors can actually be unhealthy for their child to witness. Then, there is also the cultural messages of whatever generation a child's parents are encouraged to live by too.

Many individuals grew up encouraged to feel that if they did not excell in school, and behave certain ways that they were "not good enough". The message was to learn SOME IDEAL WAY, instead of actually being encouraged to develop one's OWN IDENTITY. Actually, some parents will say "I loved my child and would do anything for him/her", but they may not realize part of that was actually allowing that child to have their OWN identity. That means that there will be times one's child will choose to do things VERY different than what a parent would do according to whatever generation they grew up in. It can be VERY hard to say, "Ok, if that's what you really want then I will accept it".

Things our children choose to do are not always due to how we raised them either. Part of their choices, like our own choices are influenced by their own piers and their own generation too. This means there are going to be things that are different from whatever generation that came before. My daughter's generation is VERY different than the generation I grew up in. Never did I imagine same sex marriages taking place, it was not even anything that was on the radar at all in my generation. I even remember when there was a beginning of acceptance and awareness taking place saying it was ok to be attracted to the same sex. I remember how my daughter was in high school at the time and how her piers decided suddenly that it was cool to think of others of the same sex in a more sexual way. She described how the girls were all hugging and acting out in this new "cool way" too. Yet, ironically those that were really gay, still felt uncomfortable. I remember my daughter saying, "but mom, don't you get it, it's supposed to be ok to TRY anything you want with anyone". Ok, so tell me as a parent WHAT do you do with that message that your young impressionable teen child is encouraged to think?

Now, the trend is about women/females having more power, being equal. That is causing things to change as well, things unexpected too. Some of these changes can actually offend or upset a parent that always follow a certain tradition to suddenly hear their child say, "No big deal and I am going along with it". Truth is, it's not always the parent's fault when their child changes and chooses different things or way of living their lives. Often as mentioned, it can be a trend of change in their generation. It can most definitely feel like one's own child is somehow getting swept away by some kind of ocean tide and it can even be heart breaking.

I stayed in a relationship that was unhealthy for me. However, there really was not enough KNOWN at the time about what I had dealt with. I sit here and read about it and can see the toxic I had to live with, maybe chose to live with thinking it would get better too. Yet, I have to remind myself that at the time and in my own generation, LOTS of women stayed in unhealthy relationships. I married a binge alcoholic, yet, I did not KNOW at the time how to identify that and unfortunately, my father was also a binge alcoholic as was many men in his generation so it was actually a normal thing for MANY of my piers to fall victim to, not just me.

One day my therapist and I were talking and he told me to find the series "Mad Men" because it did a good job at depicting the generation my parents were part of. He explained how there was a LOT of alcoholism and NARCISSISM and womanizing and how different that generation was. He also said, just know that when you watch it, it can be a bit triggering too. So I did find it and watched it and YES there were things I remember and some of these things were also a part of my own generation too. It takes place when my parents were in their thirties, and also just after WWII as well. So the men had a very different mindset and that mindset did affect me as I struggled through my own childhood. I actually remember typing on one of those typewritters shown in that series too, even being a secretary for a while when I was very young too. (I am 63 now) so I am a child growing up in the late 50's and 60's and there was some pretty wild that took place in the 70's when I was a very young adult too. I even remember when I was in high school and got Mono so bad I ended up in the hospital and was missing a lot of school. The doctor told me "no big deal, you just worry about finding a man that is educated and has a good job to take care of you". Women were not expected to have their own careers and be self sufficient and they were encouraged to get married and have the man take care of them. That's very different then what is taking place now.

Truth is, I witnessed my father treat my mother badly and look down on her and expect her to do things HIS way. I witnessed my older brother be so badly punished and actually ABUSED because back then they did not have any idea what ADHD or learning disabilities were and these children were often treated BADLY. What they did not know is that some of these children were actually far from stupid and some actually had genuis level intelligence. They just learned differently, that's all. Lots of women stayed in unhealthy marriages, they were part of a generation that tended to encourage that and "divorce" had a negative stigma to it.

Truth is sometimes a person doesn't really KNOW what HEALTHY love is because they never witnessed it. There was a lot of "trauma bonding" that took place long before anyone gave it a name. A lot of times if a marriage failed, it was THE WOMAN'S FAULT too. Just as if she was raped, it was often considered her fault as well. Women did not talk about it because they felt too much SHAME. I see many comments from individuals that ask "why did this woman not report it or say anything, why wait until 30 and 40 years later?". Thats because these individuals are only thinking about what takes place NOW and NOT how it was all those years ago. So many don't know the kind of POWER men had over women all those years ago. My mother had her gynocologist try to rape her. She never talked about that FOR YEARS. People like to think these bad things did not happen years ago WELL THEY DID happen, but people where ashamed and did not talk about it like they do now.

There are times when a person stays in a toxic relationship because they are genuinely afraid and also they even get brainwashed because the individual CAN at times be kind and loving and then be mean and controlling at other times. Sometimes they believe they are not worthy of something healthier too. And other times there is something FAMILIAR about it that they themselves grew up experiencing and witnessing and thinking is "normal".