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Old Mar 01, 2020, 11:26 AM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,288
I grew up witnessing my father constantly criticizing and controlling my mother. My parents committed to staying together and honoring the marriage commitment. My father never admitted being wrong, never appolized and tended to insist things went bad because my mother did not do XYZ.

Truth is, many marriages in the older generations were set up where the MAN rules the roost and is "king of his castle" and what he says goes. When you share that your husband resists therapy and marriage counseling and goes and doesn't listen, may even disassociate during the session, this means he doesn't care to change. And actually, more than likely it is bearable to stay due to your husband being absent for so many hours of the day too. You don't have romantic dinners, nights where you put the children to bed and light a warm fire and talk with each other and plan and really enjoy each other's company. Instead, your relationship is more about a "power and control" struggle and conversations are more about "who wins" and some competitive undertone that has already escalated into "slapping" each other.

Tell me, "what is YOUR identity"? Sometimes, it is more of an enabler and codependent and caregiver and dependent than genuinely actually having YOUR OWN identity. Sometimes THAT is what the tradition really is that your parents and family practiced that you may have NEVER even noticed. Often, what a person looks for UNKNOWINGLY is "the familiar" and they find themselves actually creating and living the very same kind of relationship their parents lived.

Take another look at that " Abuse Wheel" Have Hope posted, often that is what the children see happen, that they imprint as "normal" and "familiar". Actually, I watched the movie "The Help" not so long ago. It showed how this African American woman was the one that cared for the child and tried to consider that child's sense of well being despite how the mother behaved. When things went bad and the African American women opened up and talked they said "Despite our efforts these children end up growing up to be JUST LIKE their mothers/parents". If you take away the aspect of racism, what it really reveals is how imprinting works in general.

Children are little sponges, they absorb a lot more than is realized, yet, we are beginning to realize this fact more and more as we sit and contemplate "THE WHYS" to behavior patterns in different human beings. My own daughter said to me one day, "What I saw mom was how daddy always seemed happy go lucky and YOU tended to be more stressed and worried". Well, what my daughter was observing was how her father was a good father to her, but handed ME that "Abuse Wheel" that Have Hope posted. My husband was a binge alcoholic and he tended to blame a lot of our marriage problems on me. I LIVED THAT WHEEL myself and I too wanted to TRY and keep my marriage together. My husband did not physically hit me, but he was dismissive, he slammed doors and would be out all night drinking on a binge. My husband most definitely had two sides to him "Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde".

If I had known about that "wheel of abuse" I would have never stayed and I probably would have never even married my husband either. No, I was just like you in that I wanted to try to make things better and I wanted to honor the committment of marriage just as you want to do so and KEEP that tradition going where no one divorced in your family. Well, I am older, 63, and have stayed committed to this thing called marriage for going on 40 years now. At one point when I was separated after finding out how my husband even cheated on me on a couple of his so called "binges" that if I could repair my marriage it would be better for my child. Yet, when I was separated what encouraged me to most to try was how my daughter looked up at me and asked me if I was going to break up with her father. Then she tearfully said to me "Well, it's just that I felt special because I was one of the few in my class who's parents were still together". Then a psychologist told me knowing how much I loved my child that it would be better for her if I tried to work on my marriage and keep my family together.

Truth is, a mother often wants to give her children a father and mother family together in a home. A mother doesn't want a broken family, she wants that dream of that little house with that white picket fence and that sense of "family". I love my father and I love my mother but I HATED the way my father treated my mother. My father worked and provided for, but he set a poor example when it came to how a husband should treat his wife. My mother would say "We have to accept people for the way they are". So I tried to do just that and it ended up hurting me ALL MY LIFE. Truth is, without realizing it, I was taught to love someone even though that someone behaved in TOXIC ways.

Lots of people ask, "how come I seem to attract the wrong type of person"? Often it's because of how the person has learned how to accept abusive behavior patterns UNKNOWINGLY. Your husband has INVADED your boundaries, he doesn't want to accept responsiblity, he WANTS you to be a codependent and allow him the control. Is that what you want your children to see as NORMAL when it comes to a relationship? Do you honestly think this man's two older children are going to KNOW what a normal relationship is supposed to be like? I am sure they "love" their daddy right? Yet, is he teaching them that it's ok to love a man that is controlling and abusive? Does this so called "daddy" even realize that his two children will more than likely choose some VERSION OF HIM? That his children will attract some version of him? That something will be "familiar" that seems "safe" to them when THAT is actually going to end up HURTING them too?

Last edited by Open Eyes; Mar 01, 2020 at 01:04 PM.
Thanks for this!
lady411