@vultureculture,
The mechanism of the disorder(s) that I have is basically to hide certain type of data from me, particularly everything that had to do with abuse, but also all secondary memories. So, I can remember the instances when I remembered something that was immensely important to me, but I can’t always remember what I have remembered. I don’t know if that makes sense? I feel the weight and importance of that memory for me, but I cannot see it, I just see everything around it.
You have seen that I have a long list of diagnosed stuff, but there is no doctor here where I live who can tell me whether or not do I have alters, so I do not refer to what I have as alters, because I don’t want to seem as if I am self-diagnosing. I just know that what I have now, I always had, just that it was hidden for the longest time. And I can remember the instances in my life when I lived that way, aware of the parts, and then I knew times when I lived without noticing them.
One thing is certain, and that is that for the last ten or more years, my most ambitious, diligent part, or whatever that is, employed all of our strength to achieve some professional goals. The more I worked, the less I knew of the things I did not want to know about, and that was just like a drug for me. It is not called workaholism for no reason.
But when the dam holding it all exploded and came tumbling down, more than a year ago, I did not have the same motivation for work anymore. Once everything I believed in had fallen down, I had no more reason to distract myself, as most of it was exposed. It took me the whole year to learn to live again this way. I know that whoever I am, I am consisted of parts that I am not afraid of. That is just how my mind works. And my head has always been the safest place for me, so whatever happened there to hide so many things from me, happened for a reason. Even though some parts of me do not seem to be me, I know that’s who they are. I understand the mechanism that brought it about. I know it was there to protect me, and I know that if I managed to live with it before, I will be able to continue to live with it now that I am more aware of it.
Take care and wish you all the best,
A.