Is it possible to do a sort of apology that is like "I am truly sorry we couldnt be there. We would have loved to celebrate this occasion with you. But we also felt very hurt and disrespected and felt like going would only make matters worse. We would like to resolve these feelings and situation. Our intent in not going was not to hurt you. It was a choice we felt we had to make due to the situation."

Without knowing more specifics obviously I've made this a little vague.

I mean, you could also say "we are sorry that we had to make this choice. In a million years it's not what we would have wanted. And you know why we had to make this choice, as xyz were very important to us and you and wife's name chose to disregard that request. We would very much like to discuss it more and find a resolution so we can be a loving, healthy family and are leaving the door open to that discussion at any time."