Just to clarify, I wasn't afraid of my father. I was angry, not fearful. He was at times intimidating and threatening and certainly caused a "fight or flight" reaction in those he terrorized, but my dial was very much set to "fight" and I was too busy being outraged at the injustice of it all.

My mother was afraid of my father. Well I'm not sure that's the right word. But yes she was terrorized by him and had her will and spirit broken down by him. She fought at times, but not in the way I did.

In the years since she has marveled at the way I stood up to him in a way that she never could, and even said "In the early days, I thought you would be the one to come out whole because of this." My response was "Yeah well it turns out you can't put any kid through that much for that long and have them come out whole."

She naively hoped that my relationship with my father would improve once she was out of the picture. She moved out when I was 11.
When we have talked about the years prior, how she could watch her husband treat her daughter like that and not intervene, she has said that intervening on my behalf to defend me only further enraged my father, made him more determined to prove his authority, and "only made things worse for me."

My therapist sees this as an excuse for not having protected me. I'm not sure. It's hard not to make excuses for my mother. I believe she thought she was trying to do the right thing.

Post-separation it was joint custody and joint visitation. My father's legal argument was "parental alienation syndrome," claiming that my mother was brainwashing me and turning me against him. Because the custody battle was being dragged out in court, anything my mother said or did to support me against my father was used as "evidence" of this "alienation" in court. She didn't know the damage she was doing at the time, but this really reinforced the gaslighting and the feeling of being all alone and not believed. Any time I tried to talk to her about my father she would tell me that he just wanted what was best for me, that he cared about me, and urge me to try not to get into conflicts with him. It was what the courts were telling her she had to tell me, but it was very isolating.