I understand wanting an answer, I went through that. I moved away from it though. A definite answer is like an anchor. I am experiencing something that feels more like a dynamic spectrum. I'm focused more now on what is going on for me in the moment and what I can do to manifest the life I want for myself. The answers I was given do not fit. The doctors have admitted to me they are only making educated guesses.

You've been through a lot. The causes are multifaceted and a mix of mental, emotional, physical and potentially even spiritual. No psychiatrist is going to nail that down for you.

I also understand doing things in an episode that are more than wildly out of character and the shame that goes with it. In my case I have discovered that several things were trapped in my subconscious mind from traumas I experienced as a child and they were essentially unleashed while I was sick. I am learning to forgive myself. I am also learning to work with and take steps to heal that trauma so that it has a healthier outlet next time.

It is a strange road to travel when you aren't in control of your mind and then you are told you have to take responsibility for it. I think the best we can do is show ourselves compassion and fight with all we have to find balance and wellness. That's how we make peace with what we've done. Don't wait on others to give you what you can ultimately give yourself. Its a long line...