WOW.... I know what you mean Gfo. I am married to someone who 'hides' his smoking dope and drinking. He is an alcoholic and has admitted in his past he tried most every drug there was (except needles), in fact brags about being a "walking PDR". He has been an alcoholic for about his entire life as well (he's almost 60). I used to drink with him but after a stroke ( fully recovered, thank heavens) and now recovering from a total hip replacement I do not drink anything but water (and haven't for 3 years), during all this time he has continued to drink (and smoke dope occasionally...which he knows I detest!) and he 'hides' it saying that I told him after my stroke that I didn't want to 'see' it. I may have said that, I don't know, I have absolutely no memory of the stroke or of any time for several months after until one morning I woke up and wondered why he wasn't at work and he told me what happened. No memory of it at all. But now 3 years later it finally got sooooo bad that he was drinking at least 2 18 packs of beer and 3-4 BIG bottles of vodka a week....all by himself!!! Every single night was slobbering, couldn't talk, couldn't walk, literally falling down and passing out drunk! He finally recently said he knew his drinking was the problem and used my own words against me....I'M DONE....when I say that...I MEAN IT and he wrote me a letter (he refuses to talk to me about it!) and told me...he was DONE. Well, of course I smelled the dope on him and looked...yep he has it (and it IS illegal here still) and the booze, he is once again making trip after trip out to his truck where he keeps his bottle and yes...I did look...watched him guzzeling it. He is "trying" to keep from drinking enough to get drunk (I can tell) but it won't last. I know that! And before he said he was done he had gotten very verbally nasty with me several times to the point that I wasn't really afraid of him.....yet one night I slept in my clothes because I wasn't really sure of what he would do he was SO NASTY to me! It's crazy...he is really a good person, normally works hard (well, except for about a year where he was getting so drunk every night that he was "sick" a lot of mornings and didn't work, but he really is a good hearted person and if I ask (which I don't after the way he treated me for so long while drinking) he would do anything I ask but I've learned not to. Sad, isn't it? So I'm not sure if I'm more upset with him or myself for dealing with a life that I hate. I HATE the sneaking, hiding, going to the store to buy "stuff" and taking out cash (I watch the bank account very closely) and buying his bottles so I won't see the liquor store on the statement anymore. I hate the lying. I told him that one time and WOW....did he let me have it..saying he is NOT A LIAR! What else would you call that? I feel so disrespected living a life with drugs (which I want no part of nor do I want it around! I have teenaged grandkids that like to come out and stay on the weekends and I certainly don't want them around it! If my daughter knew he was drinking like he does and had dope here I would not be allowed to have my grandkids here....I feel so lost, and so alone and I have absolutely no one I CAN talk to about this. Got me talking to myself (and laughing at myself for doing it . Guess while I'm spilling my guts to a complete stranger I may as well let it all out. There is and has been ZERO sex in our relationship for years. He can't (for obvious reasons) but he blames me for it...guess what....? It's not me!!! I just want a normal life so bad. Just want to be happy and not always worried about his drinking and doping and it "is" pretty much all consuming to me. He tells me I am very hard to live with. I wish I could understand what that is (other than my attitude toward the drinking and dope...I know, and he knows, how I feel about that!) but he comes home from work...the house is always clean...always (I don't think he has ever lived in a clean home before but he has really done pretty well keeping his junk out of the main house (he has his own room where he can trash), and when he gets home ...we have a huge yard (in the south) where there is always branches down, mossy oak, stuff. It is always kept picked up, all the horse fences trimmed around, the yard kept neatly mowed, most of the time a hot meal ready (when "he" is ready to eat it if he's sober which used to be a huge problem, me cooking and him passing out before he could eat it or be so drunk that he'd spill it all over and pass out for me to clean up). I have always worked (until about 6 months ago and made good money). I am retired now but with my SS and I have a great pension so I am still bringing in as much retired as he is working (he's 6 years younger than I am). A little past about me. I was a medic for almost 20 years, then after a really bad back and they told me I'd have to go on disability....(not me)...I went to work as a medical investigator for the Attorney General's Office and did that till I moved south where I worked as a supervisor at a very large Independent Retirement Complex, so I have had some very good experiences in my life...and always able to handle anything but now...think I'm more upset with "me" and the fact that although I know what is RIGHT....I'm still here (or maybe I should say 'he' is still here). My daughter and her family moved down here so I am here because I am very close to my daughter and grandkids! His kids, both HUGE dope smokers too, one in Indiana (where we are from) and the other in Washington State....dope is legal there. Actually went with him because he demanded he had to go and would not go without me to his son's graduation out there last May. My gut said don't go, but he reassured me that my feelings of it being a big booze and drug fest were not going to happen...Well, it was WAY WORSE than I could even have imagined. I can't tell you, it would take hours of the drugs and booze...ALL IN FRONT OF THE LITTLE KIDS and the 11 year old grand daughter who vapes because her "daddy" says it is so good for you!!! HORRIBLE! Well, I am so sorry that I have really REALLY run off at the mouth LOL....guess I just needed to get it out there. I really hope your situation has resolved.. and if you did (or could) read all of this THANK YOU! By the way, I really am a 'fun' person who gets along with everyone and loves to laugh and have good clean fun! Have a great day!