I can empathize deeply with your pain. It is okay that you're hurting. You're in touch with that and it is a great start. I didn't do it. I'm doing it and will be for life.

Are you worthy of respect? Is there a portion of yourself, a role you play in life maybe, that knows without a doubt that you are worthy of respect? Of course you are, but me telling you offers little in comparison with you connecting to the part of you that knows.

For example, my small children were home and witnessed some of my episode. It traumatized them and shattered me as I prided myself on being a good mother. I know others have judged me for hurting them. I have judged myself the most though. I was furious with me. How could I not see their faces and snap out of it? How could I lose control to such a degree I could hurt them when every day of my life is dedicated to building a safe and wonderful life for them? I failed hard core.

So... In order to gain my confidence back and forgive myself I connected with my inner child. I remembered times when my own parents had made epic level mistakes and I had forgiven easily and loved them through it. I reminded myself that the most important thing is that I show up now in every moment as best I can.

I connected with my best mother self. I wongered what she would offer in terms of a lesson to my failed mother self. I decided she would want my kids to hear me be honest with them that I have a sickness and I am working with an entire team of people to get better. I would want them to see me taking care of myself in all ways possible. I would let them see me take my meds, come with me to family therapy, hear about my doctors, watch me eat well and exercise and see me take time for myself to care for my spirit. I would apologize to them and show them I am human and humble.

I connected with my professional self who Is usually very successful and developed a strategy to find balance and wellness again so I could avoid repeating this type of adventure again. I made sure to cover every angle I could and attack it like I would a work project as this is the most important project of my life.

I connected with the judgmental part of me. I thought of times I was able to empathize with people who had done horrible things. I thought of times I was able to show mercy as I knew mercy was required to forgive myself. Mercy is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. I decided as the judge that more punishment or harm would increase the chances I would remain sick and unable to thrive. I hurt myself and my family. Witholding mercy would hurt all of us more and I was working so hard to avoid that. When I viewed it through this lens mercy was the only choice that made sense. Additionally, all of the work I was doing made me believe I was worthy of it.

That's how I'm doing it. It is an everyday effort as I have forgiven, but I will never forget. I make these promises to myself and remind myself what I am fighting for all the time. It keeps me on track. In doing so I have proven to myself I am humble. I am broken, but strong enough to rebuild. I am worthy of love from others and myself. I am becoming the person all the stronger parts of myself knew I could be and all of the weaker parts of myself wanted to grow into. I'm healing through teamwork.