Session with Pastor T last night. Trigger Warning in advance: There may be some talk of Christianity/Christian Practices. I will try to put those into a trigger warning but just wanted to let you all know up front in case anyone is triggered by such things.


I was really tired last night. I thought about not going. Plus he had cancelled on me last week and whenever that happens, my knee jerk reaction is to cancel the next session but it's a habit I'm trying to change because it only affects me, it only impacts me. So I went.


We talked about the change in my DX'es and how I am not my DX'es which I agree with that statement. I may "have" schizoaffective disorder depressive type but I am not schizoaffective--and what that means for me. He asked me how I have been applying what I have been reading and studying in the homework and so we talked about that. The main thing has been obedience which has influenced what I am giving up for Lent. He said all of that was good. We talked about the hallucinations and some other things like dissociation. He thinks I am suppressing trauma. I don't think I am suppressing trauma. I have told him about my Mom and how she was when I was little. I haven't told him something that happened when I was younger and I probably won't because it would just be weird with him being a man and me being a woman. He wants to know what I am so afraid of that I dissociate?


At some point, I started crying. We weren't even talking about anything sad or scary or anything. I just started crying. I had been upset all day with myself and I think I was finally far enough away from it that it came out of me in my tears so to speak. Which is better than the ways things usually come out of me. But it was embarrassing especially because I really didn't have a reason why I was crying. I felt stupid, but I think that was just my feelings. I don't think he thinks I am stupid. He talked about how strong I am and how functional I am in a lot of ways. I pointed out the areas that I struggle with but he's right, I am functional in that I can work and I did well in school etc. He wants to be strengths based with me so that I am focusing on my strengths and not my deficits. I think that might be a welcome change.


We talked about the homework for next week. He said he wishes everyone worked as hard as me. . All in all, it was a pretty good session. I didn't get too triggered or anxious or stressed.


Comments okay--HUGS Kit