Trigger. I mean it.

So... the memories and my mind are getting worse. It's absolutely painful now. I can tell you exactly what happens, but some things are still missing in my memory, and maybe always will be.

I mean... all he did was touch me. It wasn't rape. It wasnt that bad. So why do I react so badly?

... I hate my body. I hate its reactions to things. Im forever screwed up, and wont be able to have a proper relationship with a guy because ... well, I'm terrified.

I know most guys arent like that. I know he was drinknig. I know it wasnt all my fault, but I still cant say it wasnt. Is that wrong? I dont want to remember. But I cant forget.

I was told to talk to someone out loud about it. I tried. I really did. But I cant, because I dont trust enough people that much to do it. I'd consider with one of my former counsellors, but I'll never get to see her probably.

All he did was touch me. Never have I wanted to be so invisible. But when youre a woman, and suitably endowed... maybe youre asking for it. Maybe I was. I could have said something. I could have done something. Im sorry. Im bad. I wont say anything. And I didnt... for a long time. Now I have, and it hurts me even more.

All I want is one guy to tell me Im not doomed to be treated like that forever. I dont like my body. I hate its reactions. I hate my mind. I hate that I keep trying to retraumatize myself. Which is what I do, but something that nobody else will know because Im too ashamed. Good girls dont do that. Im bad. But ... I need the reaction. I need to feel normal. I need to feel like I have control, even though I really dont.

The story about what happened (to the best of my memory, which isnt the best thing ever but it'll have to do. I forsee me feeling horrid for doing this, but right now my mind needs to get it out. So Ill just regret it later, okay?

... okay.

************TRIGGER******

We were watching tv downstairs. I dont remember what it was, just that it was highly sexualized. I cant remember what it was though. We were both sitting on the couch beside one another. It was late, late enough that my two sisters and my mom had gone to bed. this was back when I was in highschool, but for the life of me I cant remember the year or the date. he had been drinking earlier... so he was intoxicated, and maybe not fully in control of what happened.

I dont remember how it started. Maybe I said something. Maybe he did. All I know is that he told me to tell him if I wanted to stop. And I said nothing. He put his hands under my shirt... under my bra... and he was stroking and touching and just generally making me aroused. okay, i admit it. my body betrays me and sickens me. whats wrong with me. my body reacted and i couldnt stop it but my mind was on pause and it knew it was wrong and yet I did nothing. I sat there. this went on for maybe half an hour. i guess he got bored and then he stopped. he said that if I ever wanted him to do that again, that I should tell him and he would do it willingly. But that it had to be my decision.

Then he went upstairs, to bed. I dont remember how I felt, but I remember watching some more tv, and then going to bed.

And I kept my mouth shut. I knew it was bad. I did nothing. I continue to do nothing. But I remember how his hands felt. They were warm and rough. I remember how my body reacted... nasty. I dont remember my emotions because I dont think I remember them the same way most people do. I remember being numb. Or maybe not.

i deserve it. i brought this upon myself. i dont feel good. i feel bad. i feel numb. im sorry im bad. i cant ever tell anyone this because its scary... i dont want anyone to hate me. im sorry im bad. ill be good. it was my fault. its always my fault. knew better. need someone else to love me. he loves me doesnt he. he loved me enough to do this for me. get me prepared for the real world. i feel sick. want to cut. please just let my memories end. i know its bad and im sorry for everyone reading this because its bad.

I just want one guy to like me for who I am. But maybe nobody does. Maybe nobody ever will. Im bad and useless and ugly and stupid. I im sorry im bad. ill live with the consequences of my actions. stupid body. i hate you so much. im too messed up. damaged goods. im going to be alone forever. i just need someone to care right now. im scared. scared of my life. scared of my past. scared of myself.