Well, I havent been on in a while. Probably a month or so. It seems like I know so few people on here now, when I used to know everyone. I guess i just needed to visit. Read from people who understand me. Who know what I'm going through. I feel so lost and hopeless and alone right now. I haven't cut for 2 and a half years. It seems like a lot but so little at the same time. I don't want to discourage anyone. It is a good thing to quit. I hurt a lot less people this way. Commitment is easier. I'm even getting married in May. (He knew and loved me even when I was cutting). That doesn't mean he understands though. What it's like to want it night after night. To dream of it. To feel it. To be reminded of it constantly. To go through periods of shame because you don't want others to know how badly you miss and want it. To think day and night of where you could possibly do it and what with. To then realize that there is no where you can hide it forever , especially from a spouse, and how fast you run out of skin. To know that if you start again you may never stop. To know if you relapse that you may die from it someday. To think of every way you could hurt yourself and still keep your "clean streak".

I just miss it so badly right now.

*goes off to sob in bed* have to be ready to put on that smile in church tomorrow