So... the memories and my mind are getting worse. It's absolutely painful now. I can tell you exactly what happens, but some things are still missing in my memory, and maybe always will be.

<font color="#000088"> </font> i so understand this... that's exactly where i am at with the new but really not new memories of what happened with my dad.

I mean... all he did was touch me. It wasn't rape. It wasnt that bad. So why do I react so badly?

<font color="#000088"> </font> he violated you and then placed the responsibility on you... he was suppose to protect you .. and he failed you.

... I hate my body. I hate its reactions to things. Im forever screwed up, and wont be able to have a proper relationship with a guy because ... well, I'm terrified.

<font color="#000088"> </font> my body responded to their touch too... i remember fighting it, hating it and wanting it all at the same time... my t tells me it's like when you cut an onion... you can tell yourself your not going to cry ... but you can't stop from crying... it's the way our bodies were designed

I know most guys arent like that. I know he was drinknig. I know it wasnt all my fault, but I still cant say it wasnt. Is that wrong? I dont want to remember. But I cant forget.

<font color="#000088"> </font> he chose to drink... he chose to put his hands on you... and he not only did... he then placed the responsibility for his actions on you... by telling you to tell him when you want him to stop.

I was told to talk to someone out loud about it. I tried. I really did. But I cant, because I dont trust enough people that much to do it. I'd consider with one of my former counsellors, but I'll never get to see her probably.

<font color="#000088"> </font> i am listening... and i want to encourage you to call her... or find someone you can trust to tell

All he did was touch me. Never have I wanted to be so invisible. But when youre a woman, and suitably endowed... maybe youre asking for it. Maybe I was. I could have said something. I could have done something. Im sorry. Im bad. I wont say anything. And I didnt... for a long time. Now I have, and it hurts me even more.

<font color="#000088"> </font> you may have been suitably endowed... but many girls are... it didn't give him the right to cross that line... he was responsible... he violated your trust ... i am so sorry that he treated you that way... you didn't deserve it... it wasn't your fault... even if he was drunk... it doesn't change anything... he knew what he was doing was wrong... and he turned it around to make it be yours ... when it was his to own...my abusers told me those lies too... that i made them want me... that they couldn't help it ... that they were drunk... that i wanted it... that they were helping me become a women ... and i still believe their lies... so i know how hard it is... please take care of yourself... lyn