I don't know if this will trigger anyone or not? But here goes.

Brief history - I was abused at the age of 8 and even all this time later the feelings of it happening are still with me. I had blanked them out for nearly 20 years, putting them away somewhere, like trying to pretend it didn't happen though knowing full well it did. Eventually I broke down and it has preyed on me. I've been trying to deal with it for a while but one thing which bothers me is though it has practically ruined my life, I feel like I want it to happen to me again, I want to be abused. I find myself in that position often. I keep revisiting the scene over and over. But at times it becomes distorted to the reality. The feelings are so intense. Why do I want to be abused?