I am taking all this one day at a time. I know it may not seem like much, but last night I feel like I stood up for myself. He got home late from work (1am) as he has been most nights for over a month now. And as he tried to slip into bed with me, for the first time ever I told him I was not ready and we had a lot to talk about before we could be intimate again. We haven’t been intimate in over a week now and this is the longest we’ve ever gone without having sex. I swear I thought he would smack me in the head for doing so. Not because he has slapped me in the past for denying him, I think it’s because the past week I’ve been repeatedly running that scene from last week’s incident in my head. He got up, walked away, and slept on the couch once more.
I truly must have a trauma tho. I’ve been running so many scenes from the past 6 years in my head. Many that I’ve been bottling up for quite some time.
In the past I would’ve just given in and then everything would go back to the way it was as if nothing ever happened. I just can’t see myself being intimate with someone who has hurt me so many times. How can that be love?