Knowing that it cycles may not be comforting, but if you know the pattern you can move through it more effectively as opposed to spinning for a while only to realize you're on a new level of processing.

Comparing yourself to others can only take you so far. Its all relative. Everyone is on their own path with their own lessons to learn. Comparing yourself to yourself is invaluable. You can look back to see if you've grown like you want to. You can look forward to establish a new vision of yourself to aim for.

For example, you mentioned you judge some of your past behavior as pathetic. It was a lesson in survivalist behavior in an abusive environment. You did what you needed to in order to survive. You were a child with no support in an impossibly difficult situation. You'd choose differently now.

Of course you are welcome. Join anytime. There are a lot of good people who would simply want to wish you well and offer support. My diagnosis is up in the air and nobody has kicked me out yet No pressure, but you are welcome anytime.