@ARaven0137 I can relate to the roommate feeling at times (and the multiple cats, we've got three! lol). What we have found is proving an effective method of counter-acting the "roomie" problem is making an active effort to get out on dates at LEAST once a month, better if twice. They don't have to be big dates, it can be as simple as going to a movie or getting dinner or even just setting time to go driving around listening to music. I used to not set much stock in this kind of stuff, because "we spend most of our time together anyway, whats a couple hours going to do?" but my mind has been changed on this. Setting aside time dedicated to just enjoying each other rather than merely living together is vital, at least for us.

I can't speak too much to the possibility of bipolar you mentioned earlier, but I CAN speak to depressive cycles and how they affect intimacy (emotional and physical). When I'm in the midst of a depressive cycle, I struggle to connect with my girl. It's like... for me it's like I'm so disconnected from myself that connecting with her becomes nigh impossible. It's not that I don't WANT to be connected, but I feel weirdly PHYSICALLY incapable. I have no idea why it feels like a physical thing, but it does. It's a real feeling of there being a... like a coating on my connectors. Like, if you were trying to plug in a power cord to a machine, but there's no electricity flowing because the connection prongs were covered in a non-conductive grease or something. And inside the machine, there's a similar problem where the proper flow of electricity is inhibited, so the machine is performing poorly and sputters. When everything is right, the electricity moves freely, there's not film or grease getting in the way, and the machine performs beautifully. Another way it can feel is like wandering through a fog trying to find a way out, but being unable to. Dunno if this helps at all, but there it is.

The being on "different frequencies" you described is also quite relatable. Some weeks, it feels like we flip-flop each other's frequencies multiple times, but it sounds like you're describing much broader frequencies, more long-term. I can say that during my depressive cycles, yes, I have much greater difficulty tuning into my girl's frequency, which makes communication difficult. Again, that fog feeling. Unfortunately, I'm still trying to figure that ish out, so I haven't much advice. My best advice would be try not to be too harsh or judgemental in your frustration. I know his demeanor makes things difficult, believe me, I know! I've seen the frustration in my own SO's eyes. But if he's anything like me, he'll clam up worse if he feels like you're being overly critical of him or that he's become a tiresome burden. Forgive me if that's not accurate to your own interactions, just trying to go off my own experiences. What I have found gets through to me is when my girl takes the time to GET physical eye contact from me, like by gently cupping my face and turning my attention to her before asking of me what she needs (like paying her more emotional attention, or getting stuff done around the house). Again, this has got to be gentle, at least for me. But that physical attempt at emotional connection, especially through the eyes, I find to be very helpful in piercing the fog. I guess my question would be is he aware of and working on his mental issues? Because there has to be give and take on both sides for this to be worked through.


On another note, my SO and I were also MUCH more physically involved when we first got together, and it has gradually leveled out over time, which seems to be common in longer-term couples, but I don't think this is the same as your situation. It sounds like your dry spells are quite dry. Usually for me, it's as a result of my SO's frustration with my behavior or emotional disconnect. Our longest dry spell thus far has been about a month I think, and that was during one of my depression cycles. For you, it sounds more dire, like it's gotten worse with time. Has his mental state also deteriorated over that period? As for your lack of guilt over self-pleasuring, I'm not sure you should be? I feel guilt because it directly impacts my physical intimacy with my love, and because I usually partake in conjunction with some form of porn. Achieving orgasm with her is a lot easier if I've abstained for at least four days, because by that point I'm JONESING for an orgasm, so my physical needs will overcome my mental blocks. It doesn't sound like you have that problem, but I could certainly be wrong about the reasoning. That you mentioned it at all indicates concern to me.