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CedarS said:
(((((((((BJ)))))))))))


I can relate to much of what you are going through, I have PTSD and also at times deal with depersonalization.

Those of us with PTSD can continue to be friends here and help remind each other how to be safe and secure. When I had difficult stuff come up in therapy I had to take extra good care of myself afterwards. For instance - even if I didn't feel like eating, I had to make myself eat something, ideally something tasty as a treat. I had to basically give myself a break altogether, you know?

See, I was extra rough on myself, some part of me still believed that I deserved the abuse, and that I supposedly was always doing something wrong. So I had to learn to parent myself in a way, treat myself well. I have to be kind to myself.

When I'm going through a rough time sometimes I don't treat myself really well, I tend to not eat enough, not drink enough water, not get enough exercise, etc. So now that I know this about myself I am building a new habit. I eat regularly just cause. I get water. I get out for walks and fun. I take time off for reading fun books if I want. I keep my mind curious and interested in new things.

Doodling is such a great activity! Any type of creative expression on any level is wonderful.

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Thanks for sharing that with me. It makes me feel like less of a freak or something, ya know?
I have been trying so hard to eat, but I just can't seem to do it. In fact, nothing yesterday except 2 cokes....bad, I know. I tried really hard to eat breakfast. I got everything out, but then felt overwhelmed with guilt and decided not to make it. I reeeeally reeeeally want to feel like it's ok to eat, but I just don't. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow and then T on Tuesday after work.

I think you are right in that I feel like I need to be abused in some way. I feel like I need to be punished and that since I promised T that I would try not to SI, then food is the only solution. I think that is where the guilt comes in. I cannot eat...til I feel like it isn't all my fault.

I'm so glad you were able to help heal yourself even if just enough to realize that you are worth eating and exercising. I am hoping to get to that point one day.

Thanks for caring because it means so much.

BJ