Hi! I'm still sleeping a lot on the weekends. I'd sleep at work if I could figure out a way to do so and not get fired. I always get my work done but I always have a ton of time left over. I'm still not sure if it is medication or depression but I am leaning towards it being the depressive part of the SZA. I might get some answers tomorrow because the case manager/care coordinator woman is going to do an evaluation. If I score high on depression, I'm going to say it's that.


I'm not sure why being awake is so painful right now, but I think part of it is not SH-ing. I'm not getting anything "out" of me, so everything is starting to feel raw on the outside from being unopened on the inside if that makes any sense. I'm relying on others a lot more to help me through and then there is days like today when I'm mostly doing breathing exercises and praying and stuff like that that is internal and not relying on others. I just don't want to burn out those that are in my support network. They probably don't think of it like that, but I do.


I've been trying to treat myself when I feel like I have been doing good with not SH-ing. It's been 44 days right now and there's lots of days left in Lent. I bought myself a new hoodie and a couple of pairs of jeans the other day. I bought myself some coca-cola and some pizza the other day too as sort of like a way to go girl for keeping on keeping on. When I get to 50 days I want to do something nice for myself. I don't know what, but I want to do something. Maybe go to the aquarium or something. Just to like reward myself. I think if I can keep giving myself rewards it will help because I will see some positives out of it. I do feel some positives on the inside, like not feeling as empty but the not wanting to be awake and not wanting to talk and stuff is overshadowing that.


Today is hard. I'm trying to think of what could make it less hard and really the only thing I can think of is sleep, which I can't do because I am at work. So I would have to leave work early which I don't want to do because I don't want to miss pay. Besides tonight I have therapy so I'd have to get back up and reengage with the world and if I go to sleep now I won't want to do that later.


Giving up SH is hard. Some days it is harder than other days. Today is a hard day.


HUGS Kit