I would like to talk about something that affects a lot of relationships that tends to be ignored and denied a lot. This is a problem that has affected my life my entire life in not only my family but in friends and other relationships.

The ELEPHANT I am talking about is when the individual that is your parent, spouse, SO or friend or sadly even your own child has a problem with ALCOHOL.

I am going to ask the Mods to PLEASE not move this thread. While it could go into an alcoholic forum, quite honestly, it's not always a place individuals that have a problem may consider looking at. Also, if someone is reading this and has a problem, often they choose to avoid it if it's put elsewhere.

A lot of times the real problem with your parent, friend, spouse, family member, and even your own child happens to be how they are self medicating and avoiding their problems and insecurities by using alcohol.

A lot of the toxic behavior patterns different individuals talk about here in this forum, even in discussing "abusive relationships" can actually come from the individual that has a problem with alcohol. Everyone else is THE problem except THEM. Often, they need to be the preacher, that loudest voice and deem themselves in how they should be on some higher level. They can often be self righteous and talk about not allowing this or that kind of behavior too. If others don't see things their way then it must be that other person is wrong too.

God forbid you tell them to back off or let someone else share too, they tend to get upset and act offended (they work on this alot in AA meetings). While they see a little about you, they tend to need to take over and be the one that stands out more. They can often be very likeable and charming "the good guy, or gal". They can at times be fun loving as well and seem friendly. And they can even have some talents and seem attentive at times as well. They can even seem quite functional and it can be surprising how many walks of life they are in too.

However, they can present some challenges that are very unhealthy to the person that lives with them or is their friend. Without realizing it, you suddenly become slowly conditioned to live YOUR life around THEIR problem and it's just that something that keeps bothering you, often it tends to present in your feeling fine and then feeling depressed. Often they are there for you, then not there for you. You go out to have a nice evening and you both drink but THEY drink more. Sometimes the evening ends up on a bad note and they simply say they had one too many and BLAME it on that. They promise to cut back, but that REALLY doesn't fix the PROBLEM, and they know they can binge still too. "I have been so good, give me a break it was an especially bad day etc., etc. OR, oh, cut me some slack I got that huge account, I deserve to splurge and celebrate.

This ELEPHANT definitely affects the relationship. The truth is, if you have to talk about the alcohol AT ALL, there IS a problem. Underneath it all there is often a nice person, however that person is not really happy with themselves, they are not truely happy with their identity. They may be the "good guy" but that isn't how they REALLY feel or actually are.

I have in my lifetime seen a lot of hurt that comes with this problem. I have been HURT in more ways than I can count. This problem actually affects A LOT of relationships. I have seen it in a lot of relationships during my life. In neighbors, friends, my own family and many relationships.

I remember when a friend of mine sat down with me as she was divorcing her husband who REALLY had a bad problem (he died real young from it too). She said to me, "if you have discussions about it there is a problem". Then she took me to an alanon meeting. I was actually traumatized by what I saw and heard. Everyone told me to leave and RUN. You know THAT'S NOT EASY when you love someone that has a problem. I also confided in a woman I thought I could trust and that turned out to me suddenly being shunned. I was a brownie leader at the time and the next thing I knew the mothers pulled away from me and my daughter lost all her friends and got totally confused. The stigma can be very hard, at least back when I was trying to understand it it was pretty brutal.

I had a friend that had a problem with it too. I tried to help her, even took her to meetings and she just could not stop and so my friend died and she was still SO YOUNG yet. This friend constantly blamed everyone else for her problems and said it was why it was too hard to stop. It was very upsetting to see how bad she got too.

If anyone reading this has a problem, PLEASE think about it and get help, your problem is hurting others and it WILL HURT YOU. And don't just stop by yourself either. I have also dealt with that in my life and what I had to deal with is a DRY DRUNK. And they can actually be mean and controlling and angry a lot. Honestly, it's like they put down the drink and pick up a hatchet instead.

Lots of people out there DO have a problem. It's a lot more common than one would think. Some individuals who have the problem can say some pretty mean things, they can point fingers at others like hipocrites. If you see this in yourself ask yourself this "would you want someone to love you and support you if you decided to bite the bullet yourself and GET SOBER"? I can say this, "It is quite the challenge to love someone who FINALLY decides to get sober because they have a LOT to learn about themselves". And sometimes they don't like looking at themselves either.

For a LONG TIME I have wanted to talk about this ELEPHANT. Yet, while it did HURT me in many ways in my life. When someone you love more than anything in the world looks up at you with tears in their eyes and is trying to stop and says "this is hard, THIS IS SO HARD". The last thing you want do is say anything that will hurt this person you love so deeply. I wanted to respect those who develop a problem and bite the bullet and learn to live their lives sober. I have seen how hard it is. Yet, I also wanted to reach out to those who have been hurt by it too, like me and many others.