☡Trigger Warning
I'm so tired of fighting. Every single day the desire to kill myself and the thought of doing it is always there. The 2 biggest reasons I am still here is because of my wife and I'm too much of a coward to do anything. Both are equally strong. I don't like the medicine I'm on nor am I thrilled with my Proc. My medicine has caused my anxiety to go from a constant 4 to a constant 6 or 7. I can't go to the store on my own. I have to go with my wife and tell her to stay by my side. She never does though and I am barely able to keep it together. Yet I am told that "I'm just making excuses because I don't like taking meds." Pdoc lectures me every time about how I'm not on a high enough dose, but when I go any higher my anxiety goes through the roof. Which in turn makes my suicidal desires worse. Yet I know better than to tell my Pdoc that.
I just want to end it. Everyday I think about taking a [blank] and [blank] or maybe taking a [blank] and [blank]. But as I said before I am too much of a coward to do that. Whenever I think about the day I woke up from my emergency surgery (unrelated to my mental health issues) it just makes me even more depressed. I knew that it was a "fairly routine" surgery but i still held out hope that i would never wake up. Kinda like buying a lottery ticket. You hope to win the big pay day but chances are very slim you will. You still hold out hope you will though. For me not waking up from that surgery would have been my hitting the jackpot.

I don't know. I can't truly express how sad I am deep inside. I hide it from everyone. Once again I have gotten better about hiding it from my wife. Maybe 1 day something will happen and I won't be here any more.