I had a very bad weekend. My SO and I had two of the worst fights we've ever had in our four year relationship on Saturday and Sunday evening. They were fomented by me confessing that I had continued to watch porn after the big fight we had last spring, and had been lying to her about it. I confessed because I needed to get it off my chest and start a clean slate.
She took it pretty hard (understandably), and when she gets hurt she will hold onto it and hound it relentlessly, which I in turn do not handle well. She expressed how hurt she was, how my actions made her feel ugly. She said that if she were more attractive, I would be much more capable of resisting pornography and be faithful. I tried to tell her that's not how this addiction works, that it has nothing to do with my attraction to her and everything to do with how I've hijacked my dopamine pathways, all that. Wouldn't accept that. We went back and forth, I don't remember all the details because Sunday REALLY overshadowed Saturday. We managed to calm down and get some sleep.
Sunday went mostly fine, with me doing some chores and cooking. Nothing happened until we went to bed. And then she brought it back up. Re-expressed how it made her feel. Demanded I swear I would never look at porn again. I initially refused to make this promise, for a couple reasons: a) I've been down this road so many times and have lost all faith in myself and my ability to maintain a porn-free life. It's not that I don't want to quit, it's that I've tried countless times and have always failed. I had given up on trying, hence why I tried to continue and hide it in the first place. b) Because I've failed her enough times now that she doesn't believe me when I make a promise, so what's the point? I know from previous experience that right after I swear, she'll just say she doesn't believe me. I despise wasted words.
But, she wouldn't accept my refusal, nor my reasoning, and throughout this she was getting increasingly irate and louder, almost yelling. My continued refusal set her off. I tried to maintain my calm, but everytime I would try to respond, she would yell over me, and I wound up yelling back in order to have any kind of say. More back and forth, going nowhere. I finally got fed up, and tried to leave the bedroom so I could get some space and calm down, asked her to leave me alone for a moment. I went to the other end of the trailer we live in. But she followed me there, continuing to scream at me, and now tossing in insults along with her feelings and accusations. She expressed she felt she couldn't trust me because of this (and the emotional affair I'd had last spring), and that now she believed that when I stayed late at work to get some more hours (and much needed income), I was actually using that time to cheat on her with women at work. I vehemently denied this, but she was having none of it, and proceeded to call me disgusting, faithless, and all manner of other insults interspersed with stating that I made her entire life miserable. She accused me of doing nothing but masturbating to porn during a 3-week period of unemployment I experienced this fall, and that's why it took so long to get a job, why nothing was done at home, though I pointed out the contrary. Then she said I could have had a lot more done at home, which I could not deny. It was my fault we're poor, live in a trailer that needs a lot of TLC, that our home is a mess,
At this point, I'm yelling back at her again, telling her she should get out, that if I'm so disgusting to her, that if she really can't trust me anymore, she should cut her losses and get out now, leave me if she hates me so much. She says she has nowhere to go, to which I started to respond she has her mother or her father to go to until she got back on her feet, but she interjected,
I was at a loss as to what I could do or say at this point. I wanted to leave the trailer, get some space and clear my head, but the last time I tried to leave during a fight,
So I was backed into a corner, having already admitted my guilt and my failings, having tried to cool down but allowed no reprieve, having asked her to leave me alone, having tried to acquiesce to her demand for my promise at some point, having tried everything I could think of to defuse the situation. But still, no reprieve, and in my mind, no escape.
What does any cornered animal eventually do? So I went on the verbal offensive, stating that I was not solely to blame for her misery, I attacked her own mental and physical health issues, pointed out I wasn't the only one living there, and generally made a bigger mess of things. But she didn't back down. She kept pressing, kept the pressure on me.
I finally snapped. I had enough presence of mind to still have boundaries. There were things even then that I was very conscious that I refused to allow myself to do. But everything else... everything else was free game. I smashed two acoustic guitars. A guitar stand. A computer tower. Two monitors. A defunct laptop. A keyboard. A round shield. Put multiple dents in the 12 gauge metal boss on the shield. Destroyed the thick plastic basket of my rattan "sword". All belonged to me. With the exception of a speaker that I mistook as mine. Every time I laid hands on something, it was with the goal of expressing my anger and frustration, and demonstrating to her that I would keep going until she stopped. Every time she opened her mouth to continue the fight, I smashed something. At a couple points she goaded me on, even suggested the computer tower I had put together on my own, because I'd used it to watch porn, which I gleefully acted on. I fractured my left hand hammer fisting one of the monitors. She finally got me to stop by threatening to smash one of the windows if I didn't put my electric guitar down. But when she started in on me again, that's when I grabbed my shield and sword, and went outside to wreck those too. She was ready to listen after I came back in.
I regret it all now, but at the time, it felt... frankly, good. To let my frustration out in a wave of pure destruction... I can now understand why vandals exist. I should probably be scared of myself now, scared of doing worse next time. I don't fear that, though. Even at the height of my destruction, it was controlled. Under the blistering violence I was expressing, there was still a voice of reason. I always knew where she was, always aware of the range of my violence, making sure she stayed outside of it. Even when she at one point tried to step closer, perhaps to intervene, I ordered her back out, would brook no argument or disobedience on this count. I could have smashed my shield and sword basket inside our, but I knew that for the level of violence and energy I would need to exert to do so, it would be too much in such tight quarters to risk her safety. So I took those outside
But I know how dangerous this is, how my thoughts around this could make me complacent. It should never EVER have gotten to that point... but it did.
I'm seeking a therapist this week. I should have long ago, but always felt it was unaffordable. I don't know how I'm going to make it work now, but I have to. Because I CANNOT let this kind of fight happen again. And I don't know how to stop it.
My SO and I seem to be okay for now. After we had exhausted ourselves yelling, and me destroying my belongings, she gave me some space to calm down, and we talked enough to go to bed and get some sleep. We're quite amiable again these past two days, but... all that hurt is of course still there. She expressed to me on Monday that my actions had scared her. I'm still processing that, but the feelings raised by knowing she now has a physical fear of me... they're unpleasant, to say the least. Sickening if I dwell on it. I've mostly felt bone tired these past two days, drained. That's partly why I've taken so long to recount this event. The other part of that is that my time online is restricted, and I feel like I can't write about this if she's looking over my shoulder. I only have access to the internet (and this forum as a consequence) on her laptop as I have no devices of my own anymore. I was using the xbox to view porn, so now all devices with internet access now have a password lock to help dissuade me from acting on my impulses. It's definitely helped, imo, but I was resisting on my own before. But, it really demonstrates how little she trusts me now. I don't blame her.
Anyway, that's about all I can write down at this time, I need to wrap this up. Suffice to say, this has been a tough week, and it's only Tuesday. While I have not succumbed to viewing porn of any sort, visual or literature wise, I did masturbate once, on monday. I caved, realizing she'd have absolutely no desire for me any time soon, and I sorely craved something that felt good. So I masturbated in the shower, to completion. I made it a mere 9 days. Here's to ten days, hopefully more, on this next run.