Thanks Christina, I really appreciate your carefully thought out contribution to my thread. I wanted to discuss this problem in a way where I might get individuals at least thinking about if this problem is in their relationship that they are not seeing. I had a friend that pointed it out to me when she dealt with it herself and she did not SHAME me either. Instead she was genuinely caring and understanding.

I needed to talk it out when I began noticing the signs that I married a man that had a problem. Most individuals deserve to have a chance to see it and think about it instead of suddenly being shamed or having others suddenly overwhelm them as if shouting at them.

Thinking back on what I experienced, I definitely was SHAMED AND SHUNNED. And you want to know what? Some of these shamers and shunners were in fact individuals who had a drinking problem themselves. In fact, it was like I became a pariah because there were couples that liked to hang out and smoke pot and drink alcohol together, they were in no way interested in seeing their behavior patterns as a problem.

Actually, it very much can be like being stuck between two worlds in society, those who engage and those who are some kind of high and mighty and need you to be oh so perfect like they are (or want to see themselves as). It can be "superficial" in both groups too. Actually, a lot of BLACK AND WHITE thinking. Well, the reality is THERE REALLY IS A LOT OF GRAY. Truth is, there is a lot of stigma because there is a lot of just plain "ignorance". People that have problems are literally in all walks of life too. They are doctors, lawyers, teachers, health care workers including nurses, and they are psychiatrists and therapists and coworkers and bosses and that man that is acting in that very popular series that so many watched and talked about. Yes that guy had a problem and decided to face it and he needed to have support in the rooms and to be respected for HIS challenge. And his wife and family DESERVE to have the support to also understand the challenge as well, "not be shunned and shamed".

Recently, a member posted in a thread and said "I wanted to make my OWN decision". And that really drew my attention. Because when I had been going through all that shaming and shunning or having individuals come at me with so many strong statements telling me what to do? What I really needed more was to feel SAFE to have the time to exam the challenge that my friend pointed out and to make up my own mind about how I would handle it.

I suffer from PTSD, and one of my triggers happens to be wanting to open up and yet when I do, I fill with fear of being SHAMED AND SHUNNED. When someone gets up the courage to walk into either an AA meeting or and alanon or ALCOA meeting, they are most afraid of being SHAMED in some way. And a lot of these individuals, like myself, sit there and listen and find themselves literally breaking down into tears.

Sometimes a person can be in a relationship with an alcoholic that can be emotionally abusive one moment and kind and caring the next. They find themselves slowly adapting to this behavior not realizing what it really is because often it's not really obvious. Quite honestly, the same can be true for the person who develops a problem. They often think they can control it, especially the ones who binge. And some individuals have even picked up the drink to actually aide them with the stress they are experiencing that can at times overwhelm them in their relationships as well. They don't even realize they are developing a dependancy as well.

Sometimes, family gatherings are so challenging that in order for a person to deal with it they drink or smoke pot or turn to some other self medicating method to help them "endure it". Sometimes, that "great guy" that invites everyone over for a gathering and stands at the grill cooking burgers is also holding his courage in one hand or it's set next to his grill. And no one, even himself , sees that HE has a problem where he developed a pattern of self medicating with alcohol so he can be that "great guy" that others like. This guy seems so fun loving and charismatic and no one sees the ELEPHANT sitting in the glass next to that grill or in his hand. Same with women as well.

Actually, several months ago I entertained at a party and the grandmother walked up to me with a drink in her hand and she was very friendly and kept asking me if I wanted a nice glass of wine. As I spent time there observing, most of these adults were drinking wine and slowly getting soused. This was a children's party. And then when I was interacting with the children, they were ALL too afraid to participate in what I was there to do for them. I thought to myself, hmm, lots of happy drunks, I wonder what happens when they are sober. I wondered that because I have actually seen and heard what tends to happen and it's not a bed of roses.

So, this so called ELEPHANT really is often ignored and when you begin to see it, and want to talk about it, often it's not well received at all.