I understand how you feel....I won't tell you to call 911 or anything else....you are well aware of that. I have chronic conditions that are never going to "get better"....I'm progressively getting worse, and not a thing I can do to stop it. Lately I have felt catching coronavirus would be an easy out, same as your not wanting to wake up from surgery.. Given my age and medical condition, I'm in the "vulnerable" category. But no matter how bad I get, I could never deliberately take my own life, as it would destroy my husband....he doesn't deserve that, and neither does your wife. I don't think you're a "coward" at all for trying to stay alive.

I had TMS treatment a few months ago and overall it did help some....have you looked into this as a possible treatment option?