Why am I so embarrassed? Why am I obsessing about this? And how do I make it better for myself?

I actually posted about this last week but deleted it.


Almost 2 weeks ago now, I went to a gathering type thing. My platonic guy friend was there (we've been pretty tight for a little while now), and so was a guy I'm interested in. I'm a female.


Me and the guy I am somewhat interested in (I don't know him at all, but wanted to get to know him better and think he's attractive) talked a little, and also played a game just the 2 of us. But some people started watching. My female friend was being a little obnoxious and I wanted her to go away, but couldn't speak up for myself. Was uncomfortable doing so. Anyway, it got kind of weird for me. There was one point where I'd made a mistake and didn't even realize I'd done so, and the guy of my interest made a big deal out of it and was whining and laughing at me.


Afterward, I went home. My platonic guy friend texted me after and said he was happy to see me and that guy getting along together because, in his words, "he's awesome." I messaged a little back and said "yeah he's interesting and I'd like to get to know him more, but I wish our female friend would have left us alone."

He then made some remarks about how I liked him, but I hadn't recalled saying that to him, and it bothered me.


The next day he apologized and said "Sorry if I made you uncomfortable with those texts." I said thank you, and that he had, and that was it. He switched the subject.


The day after that, it was still on my mind. I felt embarrassed and angry that my friend said that, and disappointed that I didn't get to know that guy and it didn't turn out any way other than...weird. So I talked to my guy friend, and he said that he was sorry, he'd never say anything maliciously to hurt me, and he said it in the first place, because a little while ago he said I'd told him I thought that guy was interesting and cute.


I was mortified. I did not remember saying that to him. But I have a bad memory, and after thinking about it a while, I think I did in passing.


I didn't know what to say, told him I was embarrassed, he didn't get it, wanted to talk about it more, and I just did not want to.

I guess I feel left with this feeling of.......unfinished. And I feel embarrassed. Very very much so. For liking someone and having been teased about it. And I almost feel like, my friend was being defensive. Like, just because you weren't being malicious and just because I said something to you, doesn't give you the right to make me uncomfortable with comments in text.


I do not feel able to say this to him. The moment feels like its passed. I do not feel open to the idea of saying anything more to him.


But I still feel embarrassed and annoyed when I'm alone and thoughts creep in. And I don't want to blame my friend for my feelings. I don't want to make it a big deal.


At the same time, me and this platonic guy friend, have become extremely close emotionally, and he is the guy I talked about in a previous thread feeling like some sort of pseudo boyfriend. There have been times when I have wanted to distance myself from him, and closer times, and lately, we've been extremely close. I am feeling the need and want to distance myself from him at this time. I think that's OK.


What do you make of this? Please be kind to me, I am sensitive about it.


How do I move on from this thing that seems so small but feels so consuming sometimes?


I did talk once to someone about it. A hotline. (a warm line) And it helped. I remember telling the woman on the other line that maybe this isn't the right time to date anyway. And it's not like this guy is asking for my number. I mean I hope to see him at other gatherings. But I feel so embarrassed and annoyed. I don't think I should put my hopes all in one guy, either. That's foolish. Especially after my weird experience.


It DID also help, for me to say here what made me angry with my guy friend: that it feels unfinished and just because he "would never be malicious" doesn't mean he didn't overstep one of my boundaries by blatantly teasing me and then defending himself by saying "But you told me blah blah blah."


We told each other, in that same conversation, that our friendship is very important to each other. So, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing, I feel like. I feel like I'm navigating something with a blindfold on.