Today’s session was a struggle. R could tell I was having a difficult time from the off. She asked me how I was doing, and I started to speak:

‘I…’ and promptly broke down.

‘Hands?’ I took her hands, and she moved to sit on the floor in front of me.

‘You don’t even know why this is happening!’

‘I don’t need to know. It doesn’t matter if you tell me or not. I can just be here.’

‘What am I doing?’

‘You are releasing emotions. Just try to go with it and let it out.’

I made more noises about how I hadn’t planned to do this.

‘You can’t plan emotions, Lost. That’s quite poetic for me, and I’m not a writer.’
When I paused for breath, I talked about the end of last session being a landmine. ‘I didn’t realise self-compassion could hurt.’
‘Is that what happened? You looked at yourself as a teenager and felt all that? It seems as though you are letting stuff out today that you have held on to for a very very long time.’
R shared that she had always, up until the end of last session, pictured Now Me going through the things I describe ‘and when you painted that picture of you in secondary school…’
‘This feels really important, and now I am about to go off and do this. It’s hard because you and I are the only people who know what happened at the end of last session.’
‘It is hard, and really intense.’

‘Are you scared, Lost?’

I couldn’t speak, but burst into tears.

‘What am I doing?’

‘You’re being really brave, letting your emotions out.’
‘This isn’t brave.’
‘I disagree, respectfully. I don’t usually give my opinion, but this is a bit of a different session today.’
After crying for some time, I explained that it took me five years to write about my experience with Chris. ‘I never intended to write about it,’ says the person who wrote a blog for 15,000 people.

‘It’s a different kind of writing.’
I explained about the piece I eventually wrote, and the reception I received from the Turkish journal. ‘Some of our editors felt it ran a bit long but as human beings we loved it.’
‘I can hear your pride in that.’
‘It’s the best rejection I have ever had.’
‘This…whatever this is…’ I took R’s hand again. ‘This abuse is still fresh.’

‘If I can stay calm for the next five minutes, there is something I want you to read.’

‘You don’t have to stay calm.’

I explained that the piece was written during an anxiety attack. R noted that I had captured the overwhelm very well.

‘What I want to say to you is – this is a really big…I don’t want to say test, but challenge, you have set yourself. And it is OK if it turns out to be too much.’

We discussed previous scenarios in which I have been triggered and ended up in flight mode. R offered some thoughts on how I might approach having a chat with the facilitator.