((Scooby)),
I feel concern because it seems like you are being very hard on yourself.

I think if the situations were reversed, and your sleeping husband was saying the name of someone who caused him trauma that you would not be upset with him nor feel like you were having to hear things you didn't deserve to hear. I think you would be very gentle and compassionate with him. Show yourself that same gentleness and compassion- it IS what you deserve.

I think that if there was something that you found bothered your husband, like tackling in play, that you would be kind about it and not do it anymore, and not be upset or angry with him, nor want him to be ashamed of his reaction. Be kind and understanding with yourself as well. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You may NEVER get to a point where you like to be play tackled, and that is fine. You have a right to feel that way and have a right to not have it happen to you.

It seems like you don't think like you have a right to be who you are and be loved for it. It seems like you think there is something wrong with you, something shameful about you. And none of that is true.

You are perfectly lovable exactly the way you are, and deserve to give and receive love. Sure it is sensible to see a counselor and work on the things that cause you to feel bad, but not because there is something wrong with you as a human being, but because sometimes you just need help getting through the hard parts and healing all the scars. That isn't something people can really do alone. And you deserve to have your partner by your side on this ride... that is what being married is about- supporting each other in good and bad, easy and hard, joyful and painful times.

I just want to say... you go on being you, and go on doing what it takes to heal, and go on growing and learning and loving and finding happiness. Be gentle with yourself, you have had more than enough people being cruel and hard to you in your life.