I think you have a lot of issues from your ex and are just carrying them forward. I'd go see a counselor/therapist and see if I could sort myself out some, explore what you want.
You can't go "back" to who you were before but you can get current with who you are now so you can help yourself and your finance know what to do for you and him.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius
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