Just a note, my dad has ADHD and he gets VERY irritable if things are disorganized. He will have a temper tantrum (caused by adhd related anxiety) if we, for example, switch around how utensils are organized in the utensil drawer, or there is too much junk on the dining room table. The clutter and junk make it difficult for him to focus and give him anxiety. Sometimes he has little outbursts about it. And yes, yelling can feel abusive, but because I know it's about him and what's happening in his brain, I don't take offense. I just help him solve the problem once he's calmed down.

Your husband's controlling ways could be very similar to my dad's. It's not an intentional way to be cruel, he's doing it to keep order in his own head. Understanding that about him, I'm able to have compassion and also find solutions that work for the whole family. We also know that he's human and sometimes humans just have outbursts.

Humans also get defensive. I wonder if he sort of ignores it when you bring it up because he doesn't want to admit what really bothered him? He may not really understand his need to control, and therefore wants to deny it. Again, it's not to hurt you but keep his own brain on track and not suffer the cognitive disconnect from his need to have things in order be wrong.

Now, is this behavior affecting you? Yes. Is it intentionally abusive? I'm not there so I dont know. But I see some key things in what you say to make me think you two have a shot at better understanding and relationship, if you are willing to not have to be right (either of you) and work together.