the chemistry is artificial.. hormone added.. then other drugs added to deal with the mess the hormone made... and so on, repeat as necessary. sigh

thanx guys.

i'm really tightly focussed on two things... finishing the work that is due within the next week and panicking as i realize there is no hope in hell of finishing the work that is due within the next week. OMG. i am so screwed...

i am feverishly repeating to myself that there are some people i highly respect who truly believe in me

they believe in me
they believe in me
they believe in me
they believe in me
they believe in me
they believe in me
they believe in me

maybe i can believe in me?

i had never ever ever dared even ASK myself that question before last year.. and even now it's only in reference to the work i do. Believe in myself.. really? For real? All serious and real?

one advisor, for whom i have a deep respect.. and in whom i have a lot of trust, she said "..fluff.. you don't have this problem (doubt) when you are working... so work.. what's the big %#@&#! deal?!"

it's more than that.. so complicated.. life issues.. yeah.. thinking thinking thinking.. in two weeks from today i will be without structure, without firm direction and without solid support of any kind except for what T gives me.. and that certainly isn't career oriented. i will be in need of guidance but i have to have my own compass, no other captain but me... and the seas i am sailing are not mapped. This career isn't like any other.. an honest to god, real art world visual artist... you know, the kind who does %#@&#! most people dont understand? yeah.. no anxiety there.

im scared

im going to go throw up now