Thank you so much everyone for your responses! I really appreciate it!

I am in a safe place mentally and physically and I'm not thinking of acting on any of these thoughts. I'm actually not having those thoughts right now but do off and on and have for my whole life.

It's always felt shameful to me to think the way I do. I guess because my thoughts seem morally repugnant. I do really want help getting rid of them though! And I have to talk about them to get that help. So this is my practice to get brave enough to say it to my therapist I guess.

Thanks again! I'll update later in the week after I see my therapist.. Well as long as I don't go inpatient again... It almost happened last week. In which case I'll update in a week or two...