Thanks for your suggestion , my dad probably doesn't even know what a psychiatrist is , as English is not our mother tongue. They only know a psychologist .
I feel a sense of calm and fun when I see people smile , especially hers .So that ultimately helps me cope through everything.
I hope that I can solve this without involving a psychiatrist. Anyway , my main problem is actually my present .Knowing that the past is affecting me so badly and knowing that I can't actually do anything to change the fact that I did that will help me for now. The solution to my problem has many risks , I cannot predict them ,
so I hope to get different perspectives from different people , I won't blame anyone for my actions , I will process the suggestions or actions to take and decide , I am responsible .
Thanks again for your suggestion, that helped me think of this.