I have a friend who I've been extremely close with the past few months. Emotionally speaking. I wrote about him before here, feeling like he was turning into a pseudo / faux boyfriend.


I am really worried that he IS a pseudo boyfriend now, and I also feel that I am experiencing things around him like insecurity. I am often insecure around guys I date.


I just want this to stop. Maybe I should tell him I need a break. But I don't want to be impulsive. And I do not know if I want to explain to him whats going on inside me.


I think the feeling may be coming from the fact that we are SO close, and it has become clear to me that he is incapable of any sort of romantic or sexual relationship. He said as much, and I believe him. But I am in a place....where....it's funny...I don't know. I want cuddles and closeness. With Someone. It doesn't have to be him. And actually, I'd prefer it not be. But I'm getting feelings anyway. And at first, it was because he was THERE. But now I just feel so insecure. Like I want him there. And he's not. I want someone there.

I've been lonely. And with this Covid-19 stuff, I've been more isolated. This weekend, I tried to get away from him. I told him I couldn't hang out this weekend. But I ended up texting back and forth with him a little, anyway.


I do not feel like I can handle this right now. These feelings. I do not like the feelings that are coming up for me. A deep discomfort and insecurity around this issue. And I wish I could just "think about it differently." I'm not there yet though. I've done DBT, but not CBT.


I need support. I need advice. I need a hug.

Does it make sense to back off? Maybe even for a while? I think I'd need to fill my time and mind with other things instead of him. Like, I'd need to make a plan.


One thing that I was thinking when I messaged him this weekend was "I want to be around the people I love during this stupid Covid-19" (I just mean friends and family, not romantic, but he's a person I do care dearly about and I worry about him even). I've also, like I said, been isolated, and lonely. This is so hard.


I hope it makes sense to the ppl reading this that I've developed feelings, don't want anything, he's incapable anyway, which triggers my insecurity. I just think I need to get away from him. Does this also make sense? I'm finding myself wanting to be closer (not sexually, but emotionally) and I don't want to get hurt. I think the healthy thing to do would be to distance big time. Maybe even tell him I need to distance myself.


I had a pseudo boyfriend before. I didn't know thats what it was then. But I got hurt pretty bad. I don't want that again.


Thanks for listening. I hope someone can help.