Hi Kacknyne, see you found the ptsd forum. Sometimes it takes a while before you get a reply, so if you don't get a reply it doesn't mean you are being ignored or that your challenge isn't important.

First, I want to say how brave you are to finally admit you have problems. You really did admit quite a bit here and that is a big deal IMHO.

These things you have listed here are coping mechanisms you developed most likely due to growing up in a dysfunctional home with dysfunctional parents. Sometimes these coping mechanisms result from growing up with a parent who has issues with alcohol and you got into a pattern of using these behaviors to survive that kind of environment and the mood swings that a parent with this challenge presents.

Personally, I think both your challenge and your wife's challenge stem from conditional love. You both developed behavior patterns to protect yourselves from being hurt. And you both have the same problem with low self esteem. So, in both of you there is a strong desire for control. And you have a deep fear of abandonment too.

So both of you have developed strong relationship habits. For your relationship to get healthier, BOTH of you will need to change these habits. This takes "work" . You both have to learn how to catch your deep programed behavior patterns and stop them before you act them out. It will take TWO to break the pattern.

A lot of times individuals with BPD end up in a relationship with a partner that has NPD challenges. You are typically drawn to each other because something is "familiar" and often we see familiar as safe.

Often the individual with NPD actually abuses the partner, either emotionally or physically or both.

Do you physically abuse your wife? (I know this is a hard question and may be hard to answer honestly)