I am so sorry you're hurting SO BADLY, @Me2124603! Please be kinder to Yourself! I completely agree with EVERYTHING that the wise and wonderful @Yaowen has already wisely and wonderfully said better than I possibly ever could in my whole and entire Life wholefully and entirely in my Life! You matter and you deserve to Live. Are you seeing a Therapist or a Pdoc right now? Do you have a Support System in Real Life? Please do reach out to ANYONE You can and whom You trust because You deserve better and You deserve to feel good! You deserve the BEST! We are here for you if you need someone to talk to you and to listen to you. Feel free to PM me or any other members ANYTIME! YOU ARE THE GREATEST AND ALSO THE STRONGEST PERSON EVER! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @Me2124603, Your Family, Your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!