Let me start with my past and work my way forward to see if this helps. Ok here goes, I live with Complex PTSD and NPD. I had a rough childhood where I was physically, emotionally and mentally abused. I also have PTSD from my time in the army where I deal with demons there as well. I was abandoned by my parents at the age of 15 to live with my grandparents after they found alcohol in my room. This was horrible for me because my grandparents were not strict and let me do whatever I wanted. So from the age of 15 to 21 I struggled with drug and alcohol addiction. This is also around the time I found out my grandpa I was living with raped 2 of my aunts. The only reason I stopped was because I got my then girlfriend pregnant and needed to get a job and be semi responsible. We ended up getting married, we had another child and that's around when I joined the military. After my deployment in '09-'10 my PTSD really took me to dark places. Almost sociopathic tendencies. No empathy, no feelings just a hollow soul wondering around.

We ended up getting divorced a year later and I jumped into a relationship with a woman who was as damaged as, if not more damaged, as me. She had NPD and Bipolar tenancies and really messed my head up. I actually ruined my relationship with my daughters while with her and couldn't see it happening. She had me thinking my exwife was the issue and was to blame for me not seeing my daughters, when really it was our toxic relationship my exwife was avoiding letting my daughters see. That relationship ended horribly. Restraining orders and a nasty separation. She literally took everything I had.

After that I found my current wife. We met on the dating site Plenty of Fish. We both were coming out of bad relationships and were only looking for a hookup. But the day we met changed all that. When I first saw her I was floored. This beautiful and strong woman. A single mom of 3, making it work with what she had. She was independent, hardworking, gorgeous, outspoken, charismatic and loving. Not to mention a smile that could brighten any room and sexy to boot. She was also VERY sexual. I fell hard for her.

Up to this point I had been in very "vanilla" relationships. No real sexual experimentation and very plain love making. But this woman was into all kinds of kink. It was very intimidating. She was open to me about her sexuality. She was very experienced and enjoyed having multiple partners. It's something she enjoyed and made her happy. This was really intimidating. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that right now and that it would be something I would work on. And she took that for my word. I never worked on opening up. Too scared, too intimidated, too selfish, too self concious a combination of all that, but I never worked on it. I put the thought on the back burner.

This is where my falseness really started. When I met my wife on Plenty of Fish I was talking to another girl and had plans to meet up with her a few days later. I never told my wife about her. Well, small world, my wife grooms this girls dog. So they got to talking about things and I became the subject of conversation. My wife confronted me about it and I lied to her telling her I hadn't planned on meeting her. Alos, I have struggled most of my life with holding down a job. The longest I have ever held a single job is 1 year. Most of my life I have done construction. I told her I had 10 years of construction experience. When really it was 10 years worth of; 2 months working for this job, 1 month not working, 3 months working this job, 2 months not working...ect. But I was too proud to admit it to even myself. I have a horrible work ethic, unless whatever I'm doing keeps me interested and keeps my attention.

After a couple weeks I moved in. A few months later I got her pregnant. Then I proposed, even though we didn't get married for a few years. Pieces felt like they were lining up. We struggled paycheck to paycheck but we always made it work. I was developing a relationship back with my daughters, we seemed happy as a family, life was good. Then my wifes mom wanted to move to North Carolina to be closer to the rest of their family. My wife wanted to follow her and asked if I wanted to go. I didn't want to, but I told her yes for fear of losing my wife. So we moved to NC.
While in NC I got depressed from missing my daughters. We went from having them every other weekend and 1-2 days through the week, to 1/2 of summer break and I would come up and see them for a week during Christmas break. During this time I lied to my wife a lot, I started being more controlling, I was manipulating, I was hiding my addiction to video games (not very well), I was hiding anything I thought would upset her, I started watching porn and I talked to other women. We would get into an argument I would tell her I would change and get better. And I would get better for 2-4 weeks, until I would see she wasn't mad and then I would go right back to my old ways. This cycle of arguement, get better temporarily, then back to my old ways would happen every 3-6 months or so. We revisited my wifes sexual desires, and I told her again to give me time to be ok with it. That I would need to work on it. But I didn't.
Then the day before Thanksgiving in 2014, my wifes mom passed away unexpectedly. She was crushed, I was crushed. Her mom was an amazing grandmother to our children and was a huge loss in our lives. We had planned on getting married in the summer of 2015, but my wife couldn't imagine going through a wedding planning and ceremony without her mom. So we got married at the courthouse that January. At this point we had 6 kids between the 2 of us and I felt we should be done. My wife struggled with depression after her mom passed and wanted another child. I told her no, but after some time I told her yes just to make her happy. But I was angry about it. So after our son was born, I got a vasectomy against my wifes wishes. I even had her take me to the appt and she begged me not to go through with it. That point is where I feel our marriage took a turn for the worst.

Like I said before my wife was very sexual. Up to the point of my vasectomy I would get oral sex 1-2 times a week. Since my vasectomy I can count about 12 times in the last 4 years that I received oral sex. That is how I really realized how much she hated me for having the vasectomy. And I do mean hate. We talked and agreed to move back to Indiana to be closer to my daughters. I was supposed to go up, find a place and a job then come back and have a few weeks to pack up and move. Well I went up, found a place and a job, but gave my wife 2 days to pack our stuff. I came down with my brothers and rushed through packing and moving. We ended up leaving 1/2 our stuff behind because I allowed my brothers to rush us and treat my wife horribly.

The next year or so was the same as N. Carolina. the same 3-6 month cycle of issue, temporary fix, then back to the old ways. the only difference was we had my daughters more. My wife was debating separation/divorce just before we got the worst news ever. In October of 2017, we found out that my daughters, babysitters husband, had molested my younger daughter and fondled my oldest daughter. I was devastated. Up to this point I had most of my PTSD rage and anger issues under control for the most part. Then I spiraled. Anger outburst, destructive behavior complete mental shattering. I actually started seeking therapy help through the VA but really didn't get any help, more of a distraction then anything. So the last couple years was a battle with my PTSD, court battles with the man who violated my daughters, and struggling to hold our marriage together. Still with the same 3-6 month cycle of issue, temporary fix, back to my old self.

This all came to a head and finally put us where we are now about 3 months ago. We revisited my wife's sexual desires and again, I said give me time. But she had given me time. She had given me 7 years to figure it out, but I never did. She is tired of the cycle that we have. She is tired of the lies, manipulation, fake persona, hiding things, controlling and most of all, she is tired of my selfishness. At this point is where she was open to me about wanting a separation/divorce and her reasoning behind it. Which made everything more "real" I guess. This is what has forced me to really look at myself and my behavior and see how destructive I really have been in our marriage. We are both in therapy now.

We found out I have C-PTSD and NPD and we also found out my wife has BPD. We are still "together" but not in a normal aspect. My wife and her therapist have agreed to no sex, to try to reprogram her sexual mind. She uses sex as a coping mechanism. It's like Tylenol for a headache. If she is frustrated or angry or sad, sex can give her a temporary fix. But with that, she has a emotional disconnect when it comes to sex. She enjoys it, but to her it doesn't matter if its with me or a stranger, she can have the same release. I will point out, my wife has never cheated. Along with no sex, there is no affection or intimacy either. She needs to avoid this so she can have a clear mind while she figures herself out and what she wants. She said that when we have intimacy or affection, she ends up falling back into bed with me and it takes her back to square 1. Which I understand. It is very hard to be around her and not tell her I love her, or give her a hug, or a kiss. Which triggers my abandonment and rejection issues. This is one of the reasons she wants a separation. I know she loves me, we wouldn't be here right now trying to figure everything out if she didn't. I know I love her. A separation scares me because I want a chance to change and show her I really mean it this time but I'm afraid she may think she is better off without me before that happens. I'm very scared especially when I look back and realize how much of an asshole I have been. She deserves better then what I have given her.