I found this article that describes what I believe I am hearing you describe of yourself. I am wondering if you may be suffering from Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. As I mentioned, I am not a professional, however, I suffer from ptsd and can actually see myself in some of what is laid out in this article. (my older sister is a narcissist and major gaslighter).

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: What The Heck Is That?