I guess it's because of the depression, but I've been feeling very disinhibited and impulsive lately. It's like I don't care as much as I should about anything, including my own safety. I've been very emotional, irritable, have a short temper. I've been crying a lot, which I rarely do even during depressions.

I've been having the urge to use any means I can think of to stop myself from feeling. Drugs, alcohol, sex, spending, it doesn't matter. Normally I don't even drink or use drugs at all. Luckily that means I don't have ready access. I've mostly stopped myself from doing these things, but sometimes there are situations where things happen too quickly. The other day in traffic this guy was being a jerk, and I was ready to fight him over basically nothing. I didn't even care whether I got hurt or not because I'd rather get the **** kicked out of me than take bs from anyone. Maybe I was even hoping to get beat up, I don't know.

I'm alternating between sadness, despair, feelings of panic, and just the urge to kick the **** out of something or someone. Also extreme self-hatred. I don't really know what to make of it, the nature of the depression keeps changing on me. Some days I don't want to eat at all and other days I eat way too much. Mostly I'm trying to process through music, but it's not enough and the loud music is bad for my ears. Not sure what I'm asking, just had to write this down I guess.