I am a mess . . . and all around me has become a mess. I would rather be dead than feel like this . . . but I tell myself that this is temporary. So - no - I'm in no danger of self-harm. The self-loathing is the worst. I'm not used to that, as I normally like myself pretty well. I don't have a history of lacking self-esteem. Maybe that's why this feels so wretched. It's like I just discovered a few hours ago that I've been kidding myself my whole life, thinking that I was a reasonably alright human being. I feel like Dorian Grey, seeing the revolting portrait of who I really am for the first time. How could I have deluded myself for so long.

Then there's that practical, inner voice telling me to not go overboard in self-recrimmination. Calm down and figure out what's really going on. I had no energy all day . . . stayed on the couch. Tired. Nauseated. Neglecting my S.O., who was fairly content to doze most of the day. And I let him. Didn't make him lunch. (He didn't ask for any, so I felt let off the hook . . . free to indulge in being utterly useless.) Experience tells me this is a transient condition. Just ride it out.

Well, writing this helped a little. I'll wash some dishes. The kitchen is littered with dirty dishes, glasses, pots and pans. While I managed to turn out some meals over the past day or so, I didn't manage to clean up behind myself. Did you ever go into the kitchen to start cooking, while surrounded by the mess left from the last two meals? Did you ever just shove aside dirty pots on the range to make room for the pot of what you want to prepare now? To reduce the danger of fire, I did take off the stove some dirty, crumpled up pieces of paper toweling and a dirty, paper plate put there to hold a spoon. I guess I'll get up and start.

Memo: Getting off the couch and over to the chair has made the prospect of standing up seem less daunting. I'll have to remember this tomorrow. It was too much of a leap to go from lying to standing. I needed to sit upright for a while, as a means of transitioning gradually to getting completely up on my feet.