Hello! I'm new here, but I'm not new to mental illness. I've been to therapy once and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I lied to the therapist 90% of the time (idk why, self manipulation I guess). It's been a couple years now and I've been watching loads of videos and completing a lot of quizzes. At first I thought I was bipolar, because of my mood swings. The more I looked into it, I realized I was missing the manic episodes over a period of days. My mood swings can have me enraged, happy, depressed.... All in the span of a few hours. I have constant anxiety about being abandoned (not as bad as when I was younger) and I have had problems with overeating, self harm, over spending, and engaging in sexual things I know I will later be ashamed of. My self esteem is pretty much non-existent. Every relationship I get into always ends badly. I can go from being deeply in love with someone to losing interest completely. I have trauma that I can't remember, and I feel like I need to work through but I have no idea how. I've never been diagnosed with BPD but everything I've researched has pointed me in that direction.
All these things are really starting to effect my life. It's not as severe as it was even a year ago (thoughts of self harm/suicide aren't as extreme), but if I had actual therapy I think it would help. How do I go about getting therapy when things are hard financially? Once I get therapy, how do I let myself feel these things, and trust a therapist to help me with them? I know you guys don't have all the answers, but some advice (even if it isn't about anything I asked about) would really help.