Quick update to this thread. After a couple of days sober I couldnt handle the suicidal thoughts and intense cravings anymore and went to my GP for diazepam. He and my H convinced me to agree to go IP then they sent me involuntary anyways so I couldnt change my mind and I was there for the past month.

I am in a better place now although I still want to drink and Im not exactly excited about life. My meds were increased and I had help through the worst of it and I am grateful for that(although after about a week I tried saying I wanted to go home, they werent having that lol) Hopefully the med changes will continue to work better over the next couple of weeks since I know it takes time.

Thanks again to everyone who helped me when I needed it, I will continue to take your suggestions and try to implement them as best I can