Fuuuuuuuuuuu, I'm experiencing one of the most intense cravings I've ever experienced for porn right now, and I need to come on here and vent/distract myself.

I was so close to relapsing, I even clicked onto a music video on youtube I knew would only make it worse, I dunno why, maybe rationalizing it as somehow "not as bad" as actual porn. Got halfway through it and went "wtf am I doing?". Exited out.


I know it's going to pass, and I'm counting the minutes, but the desire to go onto one of my fave sites is so bad right now, it feels physically painful. I mean, mild pain all considered, but pain still. Right down to my core, just clenched and knotted up.

What I wouldn't give right now to bliss out and watch all the things I used to watch. I don't think this was even triggered. I could feel it low-key bubbling in the background all day, just a constant thrum of want, but I chalked it up to just my normal state and I'm only more aware of it today. WRONG. It was definitely more keyed up than normal, in retrospect.


I was chilling on youtube while in bed next to my girl when I first felt it start to ramp up a bit. Unfortunately, it's that time of the month, and she's idling between states of "fml" and "I only mildly want to murder something" right now. So coming onto her is a bad idea and rather insensitive. So I left the bedroom to make a quick supper, took the laptop with to continue watching the gaming related video I was watching (no sexual imagery in it, btw), and as I was dialing in the settings on the oven, WHAM! It hits me, like a bloody tidal wave! Next thing I knew, I'm struggling to maintain control, and starting to lose when I clicked onto that youtube music video, and that little voice was just loud enough saying "hey, gtfo and maybe try distracting yourself on psych, or just... LEAVE. Anything!"

So here I am. It's been about 1/2hr since the wave hit me, and I'm still feeling it. Little less intense now, tho. And supper is coming along, so maybe food will help.

Also, I've had two masturbation relapses since my last check-in. I'm not as concerned about those, tho, because I'm focused on getting a handle on my porn addiction first, and I don't need to masturbate NEARLY as much when I don't watch porn, Plus, it's helping take the edge off during my SO's period, so I'm not constantly pestering her with my horniness. I'll be more focused on my masturbation (and whether It's as big a problem as I think) once I've had a long enough success period with abstaining from porn.

That said, I want to avoid masturbating every chance I get (though I'd love nothing more than to be indulging 2-3x a day), because I think it's a habit that feeds into my porn addiction cravings. I still see imagery in my head from porn I've watched during masturbation sessions, though it is fuzzier and harder to see clearly each day. It's now at the point where the things I imagine are more compelling than the things I try to recall from porn. But, my imagination is still not the sole things occupying my head at these times, so I have to be careful. Plus, when I've abstained from masturbating for a while, my SO... notices that certain things have become... more noticeable than usual, and it piques her desire. Which is what I want, I want her to want me (cue cheap trick).

Huh, that worked better than expected... craving has subsided to a low hum again, rather than volcano threatening eruption. That only took 45 minutes of embarassing thought vomit... sorry to whoever reads this. Especially the last bit. Gonna leave as is, tho, because it did help, oddly enough.