Trigger warning

I don't know if anyone on this board has survived being the victim of child pornography. I'm just starting to acknowledge it outside of therapy. It's been 30 years since I showed my first trauma therapist pictures that were taken of me at 5, 6, and 7.

I walked into her office, silent. She had been trying so hard to get me to say something, anything about my childhood. She had all my medical records, police records, and social work records. What she didn't have was a single word from me. On this particular day I walked into her office silently, handed her some photos, and sat on her couch emotionless. I didn't know what to expect. She didn't say anything for a long time. I thought she was disgusted with me. When I got up the courage to look at her face, I realized she was crying. I was completely baffled. I couldn't understand why anyone would be crying over those photos of me.

I never forgot what she said to me. "The utter void in your little face breaks my heart. That's why I'm crying." I didn't get it. I sat expressionless. Then she said, "I know you cannot let yourself cry for this little girl and all the little girls who live inside of you, but if we work slowly and carefully, one day you'll be able to cry too."

And she was right. It took decades of work, but I did finally cry for the little girl in those photos. To this day I can't Google myself under the name they used for me. I'm terrified that somewhere in the dark web, all those pictures still live on. My psychiatrist said its unlikely that a child pornography ring back in the 1960s would have their photos on the web in 2020. Still, I worry. I'm 60 yrs old now. And I still worry.

Thanks for listening.