Hi, how is everyone? Well, long story so hope this makes sense.

Well, my doctors (have a new pdoc) had a bed for me. Well a different pdoc took it for his patient. So I am still at home. I did not come on as some of my posts have been not so great and did not want to cause more concern.

I have been seeing my new t and is going okay. I talked to my doctor two days ago and he said he is "on their case" to get me in. I am on the "emergent" list.

I have had a couple of nasty days. I had cut, scrubed my hands, wrists, arms with bleach, then burnt myself with a curling iron and a cigarette. This is the worst SI I have ever done to myself. I called my t on Friday and he made an appointment with me for Monday morning. He was going to call the cops on me last time, but that would have meant I would have been shipped off to the out of town facility. So I charmed my way out of that one. I told him that if I got to the point of "no return", I would go to the ER.

My skin is killing me with these burns. The cuts are on my wrist and when the bleach got at it: OUCH!! But I felt better after, feel like crud now just looking at this mess. I have to wear long sleeves so nobody see's what I have done. It's been hard to hide though. I can't put the burns into water without wanting to scream in agony. But I did it, now I have to deal with it.

Part of my diagnosis is severe depression with psychotic features. I have been experiencing hallutionations and delusions. My t and I have discussed this and he is concerned with the issue of these powerful urges to harm myself especially after an "episode". My bf and I are still together. I totally freaked out about 5 days ago. I heard banging on our front door, someone walking around making loud sounds in the house, heard whispering (child voice) then I thought someone started a fire downstairs. I started shaking, yelling, just totally lost it. My bf went downstairs (3am) and came back up to tell me nothing was downstairs. I sat on our bed rocking back and forth, crying uncontrollably. I begged him to go back down and look under everything, behind doors etc. He tried to calm me but I just kept rocking. I sat awake all night, staring at the door to our room.

Anyway, my doctor said Monday should be the day I would go. I did not tell him all of this as he does not understand this part of it. I will talk to my t on Monday about my recent war with the burning etc.

Sorry for the crappy stuff, wish I could tell u differently. I saw the post in kudo's: thanks all of you, means a great deal to me.

Justy