Hi @ChargedInfluence, I'm sorry being hospitalized has taken away something that you loved. But I am seriously worried about you and your safety and welfare along with the safety and welfare of others you mentioned. Can you call a hotline, or your therapist or psychiatrist if you have one? If not, can you please go to the ER? I know that hospitals haven't been your friend, and I've been in one so I know, they suck, but right now you may need a little more care than we can provide for you over the internet. I have Schizoaffective Disorder so I understand how upsetting it is to know it's a lifetime illness with long term treatment, but I do think we can get to a point of stability where the hospital isn't needed so much. Give yourself this time. Talk here all you want. There are people who are listening. Gentle hugs if wanted Kit