This stuff has been weighing on my mind for most of life and while I don't have any expectations, I think letting out some of it somewhere might be cathartic. I'm not interested in therapy or medication. I'm not going to do anything illegal, so don't get worried about that.

I am a freshman STEM student, barely a legal adult. Throughout my life, I've had nobody to talk to about my issues. Talking to my family, giving them a little glimpse at what's going on in my head, has never made me feel better, only worse. I've tried a couple of times when the weight of it got really bad, and it never helped. Lately I've been thinking a lot that i'm loosing it.

I don't get affection. I know little about what's it's like to receive it and I have no idea to how to express it myself. Throughout middle school and high school, I've had one or two friends/acquaintances at a time who I just talked to in class, but all of those relationships fizzled out in the exact same way every time. I've become cynical about friendship and just see it as a mercantile and unsatisfying way of boosting your ego and staving off boredom. I don't see any appeal in "hanging out".

My sister told me once that in college there would be so many more people, I was bound to find people I "like", but I actually like the people I was around this year less than the ones from my highschool. I grew up in a pretty well-to-do place and now I'm going to big university with zero larger sense of group identity.

The thing is, i'm not a normal person. I've had violent, intrusive thoughts since I was in elementary school. Other intrusive thoughts too. At the peaks of my boredom and dissatisfaction, I used to actively have violent fantasies about the people around me. Other times I stole little things from here and there for the thrill of it. Now my thoughts are more sexual. Over the years I've gained very abnormal interests and beliefs too. I know how all this sounds. It's "bad", totally unacceptable. I can't erase it. I want to tell somebody, anybody about this. So here I am. This is the best option.

What's been eating away at me recently is an overwhelming sense of loneliness. When you look at my life, it's not normal, it's not "healthy". How could somebody look at the way I live and think I could be happy? Somebody asks how I'm doing and I say i'm fine every time. I'm never fine. I wear a mask and it works good enough. I can talk to people well enough to work with them, but not enough to form and maintain relationships. I'm not interested in half-way or quarter-way relationships anymore either though. I have a ravenous "hunger" to totally consume another person. I'm built to want these things, so I feel something fundamental to being a human is missing in my life, but i'm too dysfunctional to pursue it. I like how I am though. Whenever I saw the normal people around me, I never wanted to be one of them. I thought I was lucky to not be like them. Society has no system to help "functional", miserable people like me.

If I manage to succeed on the path i'm going now, I'll hopefully be able to be a financially independent person. I'm doing alright so far. I plan on moving to the other side of the country and completely cutting off the familial relationships I have now. I want to move on the from the past and i'm very resentful. I know it's selfish and blah blah they fed me. I'm not happy though. I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me and they never helped. Nothing's guaranteed though. Everybody could be dead by the time I graduate. Maybe that wouldn't be too bad. Happiness? Is that even a remote possibility? I just have no hope.